A Code of Honor for the Dying and Their Family

Preparing for peaceful end-of-life moments

Source: Image by Mirka from Pixabay

Since the sudden loss of my 21-year-old daughter, Jenna, several decades ago, I’ve had the honor and privilege of helping countless individuals and families prepare for their death or the death of a loved one. From my work with people facing the end of life, I have developed a code of honor about fostering love, peace, comfort, and compassion rather than fear, panic, miscommunication, and chaos.

When my mom was dying at age 92, my sister, brother, and I joined our children and spouses at her side, holding her hand and caring for her. On her last day, my mother’s favorite song, Somewhere Over the Rainbow, came on, and we spontaneously gathered in a circle around her. Mom took her final breath with all of us singing, “Away above the chimney tops, that’s where you’ll find me,” and holding hands.

Whether and how we show up in life’s most unspeakably difficult end-of-life moments says a lot about us and our families. We all do the best we can to love, comfort, and console our loved one who is dying and one another. Here are a few suggestions for fostering peace, kindness, compassion, and support from my "code of honor:"

1. Establish Agreements, Ground Rules, and a Tone for Cooperation and Civility in Advance

Death can bring out the best and/or worst in us as human beings and families. Things like practical logistics, decisions, special rituals, agreements about who should be there, and family dramas born of sibling rivalries, unfinished business with the dying or another parent all need to be worked out in advance of 11th-hour gatherings. Open, proactive communications with the loved one who is dying to confirm their final wishes and between family members in the time leading up to (and following) their death is the best way to get everybody on the same page about what is and is not going to happen and avoid chaos.

This is not always possible for a variety of reasons. Things can sometimes become painfully chaotic, as they did with a little girl I had been helping for several years after being diagnosed with terminal cancer. Calling me at 12:30 am two nights before she died sobbing with her divorced parents screaming at one another in the background tops the list. Distraught, her dad came home drunk and got into a heated argument with his ex-wife. Listening to her plead with her parents to stop screaming at one another and begging me for help was heartbreaking.

2. If Needed, Get Help From a Skilled and Trustworthy Counselor or Confidant

Family counseling or a family council meeting with a trusted and experienced confidant, clergy, family therapist, facilitator, or experienced hospice counselor to identify problem areas, deescalate conflicts, and gain constructive agreements for what is in the best interests of the dying person and family is a smart move. In situations that are almost completely out of control, it often helps to establish clear consequences for those who are not keeping agreements. This may mean someone will not be allowed in the house or hospital room.

3. Make Time With One Another, Doctors, Lawyers, Financial Advisors to Clarify Everything That’s Coming

Sit down and decide who will do what: Who will be there in the final moment, who will stay after, who will oversee the funeral, casket or cremation, etc. The more planning in advance you do, the better the chances that the dying person’s final moments will be peaceful and uncomplicated.

4. Take Time to Confront Your Own Fears and Anxieties About Death

We all have our views and feelings about death, and this often changes as we get older or lose loved ones. The ideal time to begin dealing with feelings about death is not when a loved one passes. Working through your fears, anxieties, discomfort, and sorrow and giving yourself ample time to deal with some of these emotions ahead of time can be enormously helpful during these vulnerable times. Reading/listening to a book about loss or talking to a trained grief and loss counselor, coach, or clergy can be helpful.

5. Find Good Palliative or Hospice Care

There are some very good and not-so-very-good palliative and hospice care doctors, nurses, and doulas. Do research and interview highly recommended candidates to make sure they’re a good fit for your loved one and family. Having caring, qualified, and communicative end-of-life caregivers ensures that they will be on the same page as you and your loved one.

Grief Essential Reads

Conversations With Patients Who Have Died

We Heal From Grief in Relationship

6. Honor the Wishes of the Dying Person

Spend time to “put your house in order,” including legal and “psychological” estate planning. Work with a skilled estate planning attorney to handle potentially complicated and conflictual matters before you or your loved one dies. Trying to answer difficult questions with doctors, family members, and lawyers just before or after loss is a formula for chaos and conflict.

Following these end-of-life guidelines does not take away the pain of losing someone you love, but they can help you, your loved one, and your family share sacred moments of vulnerability filled with love, trust, gratitude, and faith as your loved one dies.

Those who wish to honor a loved one after they have passed might find these “Eight Honorings” valuable guidelines for how to go on:

Create love, trust, gratitude and faith as your loved one dies

Source: Image by Huu Luu from Pixabay

First Honoring—Survive their death by taking exceptionally good care of yourself.

Second Honoring—Do something good in their name.

Third Honoring—Cultivate a spiritual relationship with them, giving and receiving the love that never dies.

Fourth Honoring—Embody and cultivate some special quality that they possessed.

Fifth Honoring—Take the high road in dealing with family members and friends in the rawness of grief.

Sixth Honoring—Summon the courage to begin writing new chapters of life.

Seventh Honoring—Practice self-compassion and kindness on the path forward.

Eight Honoring---Balance your sorrow with lightheartedness, rest, mild exercise, and joy.

Keep your loved one in your heart in the days they’re here and after they’re gone. This and the other "honorings" help us clear the path forward and free us to reach for our best possible future.