The Lies I Told Myself With Postpartum Depression

Let’s be honest, early motherhood, starting from pregnancy all the way through the toddler years, is extremely hard. As a new mom, we struggle with minimal sleep, painful physical recovery, extreme hormonal fluctuations, and often profound identity changes, all while caring for our new child around the clock.

But if your experience of motherhood changes from being hard into feelings of despair, helplessness, or overwhelming anxiety, please know that you are not alone. One in five new moms will experience postpartum depression and anxiety, which can start unexpectedly any time during the first year after childbirth.

While postpartum depression and anxiety are the most common complications of childbirth, many new moms are never taught the symptoms, how to support themselves and their families, or even how to find help. As a result, many of us struggle alone for far too long.

The Onset of My Postpartum Depression Lies

After having my child, I felt OK at first—I was struggling with sleep deprivation, breastfeeding challenges, and physical recovery from childbirth, but mentally I was still holding on and felt like myself. Then week six came and my world turned upside down—suddenly I couldn’t sleep at all, and I fell down a mental black hole where I felt completely alone, helpless, and overwhelmed with anxiety and despair.

All I could think about, day in and day out, were these three, simple statements:

• I am a terrible mom.
• This despair and worry will never end.
• I will never feel like myself again.

These statements were lies—negative thoughts that clouded every minute of every day.

The joy, love, and happiness I believed a new mom should feel were vastly different than my reality during those first 18 months of my child’s life. Society, social media, and even Hollywood had taught me that this was supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life; but, instead, it was filled with darkness, shame, and a complete loss of who I was.

Finding Help

I had no idea what was happening to me. As a first-time mom, I spent months during my pregnancy planning to care for my child in every imaginable scenario, but I never thought about or prepared to care for my own mental health.

After I hit my lowest point when intrusive thoughts kicked in, I realized I needed help—and with medication from my health care provider and regular appointments with a maternal mental health therapist, I started to slowly but surely find myself again.

During this process, I learned that those three negative statements I told myself constantly truly were lies caused by postpartum depression. I have rephrased those lies to be the truth:

• I am not a terrible mom—I am a great mom who loves her child and simply struggled with the most common childbirth complication.
• This despair and worry will end—postpartum depression and anxiety are treatable.

• I will feel like myself again—you will.

6 Steps to Rediscovering Myself (That Can Help You, Too!)

If you tell yourself similar lies or are struggling postpartum, these six key actions helped me heal and find myself again:

1. Ask for help: Talk to your health care provider and/or a maternal mental health therapist that you trust to learn more about treatment options, including medication, traditional therapy, and group support. You are the best advocate for yourself, so reach out for support as soon as you realize you are struggling.
2. Improve your sleep: Getting more sleep might seem impossible as a new mom, but adequate sleep is crucial for your mental well-being. Sleep deprivation can both cause and increase postpartum depression symptoms so create a sleep plan each week. Look at ways to prioritize your sleep over other activities, ask for support to give you more uninterrupted sleep, and make sure your sleep environment is set up adequately to help you rest.
3. Practice self-care: Focus on supporting yourself physically and emotionally each day, even if you only have a few free moments to find a glimmer (small moments that bring you joy, such as listening to your favorite podcast or eating your favorite snack). Self-care is essential for the well-being of new moms.
4. Connect with others: "Find your village" is something new moms are often told for good reason; social support and having a sense of community can help those struggling with postpartum depression and anxiety and reduce the feelings of isolation. Look for postpartum depression support groups in your local area or virtually.
5. Practice mindful meditation: Focusing on the present moment and calming your mind through mindful meditation can reduce postpartum depression symptoms as well. Try to spend a few moments each day focusing on the present moment or doing a short meditation practice.
6. Grieve your identity change: Becoming a mom changes who you are as a person and how you see yourself—and this shift in your self-identity can be both positive and negative. Write down any areas of yourself that you miss and need to grieve (such as having alone time, spontaneity, and privacy) as well as new parts of yourself that you have gained and want to celebrate (such as increased patience, new love for your child, and your strength). You are always changing, so take time to process and honor who you are in this moment.

If you are struggling with postpartum depression and anxiety, the negative thoughts you tell yourself about motherhood are likely lies.

Medication, therapy, and self-help strategies can help support your recovery, so don’t suffer in silence. There is help. And, remember, you are a great mom, this will end, and you will feel like yourself again.