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Though we often think of anger as a negative emotion, it actually has evolved in humans for positive reasons. Anger leads you towards responses that help you overcome obstacles, alerts you to danger and keeps you safe, and helps you get your needs met.
We observe anger in infants. When a baby wakes up from a nap and is hungry his frustration causes him to scream, thrash his arms and legs around and turn red. He is showing his frustration physically. He doesn’t have any language skills to tell you what he feels or needs. His crying helps him to alert his parents to give him what he needs. After all, he must get food to survive. As children grow, they often continue to show their anger physically by hitting, kicking or biting, because they still do not have the words to express themselves or the ability to control their impulses.
This is where parents come in. We need to teach our children how to manage their anger. We must communicate that the feelings themselves aren’t bad, nor are the children expressing them. We must teach them to use words-not aggressive behaviors. So we say repeatedly, “It’s okay to be angry. But we don’t hurt anyone.” Our goal as parents is not to eliminate anger, but rather to help children learn to handle it in a positive way. And we must be patient. It is hard to manage this emotion.
One important piece in teaching our children how to handle anger is modeling a positive expression of anger in our relationship with our child and in family relationships.
In a study on modeling, researcher Albert Bandura from Stanford University conducted the bobo doll experiment (a bobo doll is an inflated rubber doll.) He had seventy-two kids, aged three to six, watch adults play with the doll. One group watched an aggressive person - an adult - kick or hit the doll. A second group observed an adult playing with the doll peacefully. A third group had no model. When it was the children’s turn to play with the doll, the children repeated the behavior of the adult they observed. Those who’d watched the adult hit the doll themselves hit the doll.
It is natural for parents to get angry at their kids, but if you yell at your child, say hurtful things or use physical force, you are teaching your child that this is the way to behave when angered.
Aggression between family members also models this behavior. Sometimes parents don't realize that they are fighting with each other too much in front of their children. If their tone or their actions are aggressive, not only does it frighten children who worry that the people they love are hurting each other, or that there might be an eventual divorce in the family, but it also teaches children that aggression is the way to handle emotions in a relationship.
If the children are allowed to bully one another and even hurt each other physically or verbally, it can become a way the children behave outside the home, at school, or in the playground.
Here are some ways to model positive anger management in your home.
Observe your behavior. Instead of screaming, or reacting negatively when your child misbehaves, count to ten, take deep breaths and react calmly. If you feel you're losing it, tell your child, “I need a moment,” step out of the room and try to calm down. Then talk with your child about the problem.
Focus on what your child needs to do. Rather than berate your child for what she has done, communicate what she has to do. For instance, if you walk into the bathroom and see that your child has left her pajamas on the bathroom floor, yet again, stay calm and remind her: “Your pajamas need to go into the hamper when you take them off.” Though it’s hard to keep repeating yourself, keep in mind that it takes children a long time to internalize your rules. If you are calm, she will learn how to put her desires across in a positive way with others. Over time she will get it right.
Avoid negative adjectives. One of our major jobs as parents is to protect our children’s self esteem. It is important to avoid negative adjectives such as, “You’re so messy, dumb or stupid,” because they make a child feel bad about himself. Negative phrases such as “What’s the matter with you!” or “How many times do I have to tell you to put your toys away?” will make the child feel there is something wrong with him. These words hurt a child’s feelings, make him angry and he will be less likely to make a change in his behavior. He also will incorporate this aggressive tone into his speech and say mean things to others.
Avoid physical reactions. If you hit your child, you cannot tell your child not to hit others. She will resort to hurting others when angered which will cause her problems at school and socially. It also conveys to your child that it’s ok to hurt someone in a loving relationship and this can cause her to build negative adult relationships.
Set rules in your family. The most important rule to establish with your children is: “It’s ok to be angry, but you cannot hurt anyone physically or verbally.” Instruct them that they must verbalize their emotions in a positive way. Since young children do not naturally know what to say, teach your children phrases they can use in a situation, for instance, when a sibling takes her brother’s I-pad, he should say,“ I’m angry” or "I don't like it if you take my things without asking.” It’s helpful if you use these words with your family too, for instance, “I feel angry because I don’t like it when you both say mean things to each other.”
Teach children techniques to calm down. Suggest that if your children feel angry they should take some deep breaths, count to ten or walk away for a few minutes and calm down, rather than respond aggressively. There are also many activities they can do that will help them get past painful angry feelings such as pounding clay, going for a run, reading, or drawing.
Use positive reinforcement. If your child is expressing her anger in a positive way, always praise her. You might say, “I like the way you used your words.” Some parents put a quarter in their child’s reward jar, or they plan a special pizza lunch with her to give her positive reinforcement.
Employ natural consequences. If your children are behaving aggressively toward one another, parents often separate the kids and send them to each one’s quiet corner where they can read or draw, to calm them down.
Manage parental fights. If you have a disagreement with your partner, it’s best to call a timeout and walk into another room to discuss things away from the children or you might schedule a time to talk later that evening after the children are sleeping. Parents need to be aware at all times that the kids are watching and the parents are serving as a model of how to express anger.
Hold family meetings. Some families have weekly family meetings so the members can talk about any anger they feel in the family. This gives parents an opportunity to coach their kids on how to express themselves and resolve issues. This practice models that expressing your anger is acceptable and healthy, (you don’t have to hold it inside where it can hurt you) and that talking about anger helps fix problems. You can use role playing to help the children play out different scenarios so they can understand each other better and practice their communication skills.
If you model anger management in the ways above, your children will grow up handling their emotions and relationships in a healthy way.
