Dealing With the Defense Mechanism of Projection

Projection can undermine your sense of self.

Source: Vitaly Gariev/Unsplash

Lately, your partner has been coming home several hours late from work and doesn’t answer your text or call. You notice they are being secretive with their phone. Your neighbor tells you that a woman stayed at your house last weekend with your partner while you were out of town. However, when you express your concerns to your partner, your partner accuses you of cheating.

They tell you that you have been coming home late from work and suspect you are charging gifts for your supposed affair partner on your joint credit card. Your partner seems to be convinced that you are having an affair with your coworker. They demand that you give your phone to them to prove that you aren’t cheating. You feel deeply confused and shocked. You haven’t been coming home late from work and haven't charged anything besides gas and groceries on the joint credit card. You certainly aren’t interested in any of your coworkers. You consider giving your partner your phone just to stop their accusations. Your partner’s accusations start becoming obsessive.

What Is Projection?

In this scenario, you are on the receiving end of projection, a defense mechanism in which a person transfers their emotions, behaviors, or thoughts onto someone else. Being on the receiving end of projection can be a deeply disorienting and confusing experience. Your partner, possibly projecting their own cheating behaviors onto you, accuses you of what they are doing. This not only creates confusion but also shifts the focus of the conversation. Now, instead of discussing your concerns about them, you find yourself entirely focused on why your partner is accusing you of cheating. You may even start to question your own actions, wondering if you have been inadvertently flirting with your coworker.

Being on the receiving end of projection can be devastating and challenging, as it often involves being falsely accused. You may even wonder if you are having a problem with your memory. When someone uses projection, it can make you feel confused and off-kilter. Keeping you confused and making you question yourself allows the gaslighter to use guilt and shame to gain control over you. The more you try to convince your partner that you aren’t having these thoughts or behaviors, the more they accuse you. In this post, you’ll learn more about projection and how to handle it if someone projects their thoughts or feelings onto you.

The Mechanics of Projection

Projection typically stems from the need to avoid conflict or discomfort. For example, someone angry about missing out on a promotion might accuse a coworker of being angry or hostile, shifting the emotional burden. For some, projection is an unconscious behavior that helps them deny those behaviors or thoughts. They may be utterly convinced that you are the one at fault. Others may purposefully use projection to confuse someone. This way, they are more likely to get away with problematic behavior. Whether projection is unconscious or purposeful, it's crucial to remember that the person projecting is fully responsible for their behavior.

Signs of Projection

Recognizing when someone is projecting can be tricky, but there are signs:

• Inconsistency: There is an inconsistency in the behaviors you are accused of in projection. The behaviors or thoughts someone accuses you of don’t match what you know about yourself or the feedback you receive from others.
• Defensiveness: The projector might get highly defensive when you say that a behavior they falsely attribute to you is actually their behavior. They may fly into a rage and tell you that you are being abusive (another projection).
• Blame shifting: Frequent shifting of responsibility for one's emotions or actions onto others is a common trait in projection. The person is putting the psychological burden on the other person.
• Changing the narrative: By using projection, a person successfully changes the topic of the conversation away from their inappropriate behavior. They have once again avoided identifying and taking responsibility for their behavior.

Being on the receiving end of projection can be emotionally draining and confusing. It can lead to self-doubt and concerns about your emotional well-being. Over time, this can strain relationships, especially if the projection is persistent and is part of other potentially abusive behaviors.

Coping With Projection: Strategies for the Receiver

Here’s how you can cope with and respond to projection healthily and constructively:

• Recognize the mechanism: Understanding that projection is about the projector's issues, not yours, is crucial. Recognizing the signs of projection helps you detach from taking these projections personally and maintain your own perspective.
• Maintain boundaries: It’s essential to establish clear boundaries. Politely but firmly assert your perceptions and feelings when they differ from what is projected onto you. For example, saying something like, "I understand you feel that way, but I see things differently," or “My recollection and experience differ,” helps maintain your perspective.
• State facts: Be clear that the projector’s accusations are false and you will not be persuaded otherwise. Be prepared that the projector may not own up to their behaviors, even when you have proof. Walk away if the projector escalates their behavior, and always refuse to engage if you feel your safety is at risk.
• Seek professional help: Individual therapy might be beneficial if you have been subjected to projection. Projection can be a form of emotional abuse. You may have noticed other behaviors in that person that may qualify as abuse. A mental health professional can help you navigate how to interact with the projector and what you should do to protect yourself from further abuse.

Projection is complex and damaging, but you can protect yourself effectively with clear boundaries and self-compassion. Going low- or no-contact with someone who is projecting is the best way to protect yourself. By practicing self-empathy and seeking the guidance of a mental health professional, we can help identify others’ problematic behaviors earlier and have healthier relationships in the future.

Projection Essential Reads

3 Ways That Shadow Work Can Lead You to Enlightenment

Projective Identification: The Silent Narcissistic Abuse

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.