Too Close for Comfort: Personal Space and Making Friends

In a previous post, I wrote that the hidden language of nonverbal communication is the key to unlocking the “door” of connecting with others. If read and sent accurately, facial expressions, tones of voice, postures, gestures, rhythm, touch, and personal space provide unbiased cues about how we feel. However, misreading or mis-sending nonverbal cues increases the likelihood of interpersonal failure and loneliness. That is certainly the case with the use and misuse of nonverbal language in the form of personal space, especially for children beginning full-time school.

Although most of us are not aware of it, we are enclosed by an invisible but protective space “bubble” that we carry around with us wherever we go. The bubble is not perfectly round but goes out further in the back and sides of us than it does in our front. According to Matthew Graziano, who has focused on the study of personal space, humans have specialized peripersonal neurons that serve as an early-warning system triggering a fight-or-flee reaction when our personal space is invaded by others.

We need our peripersonal neurons to protect us from physical threats, but because we are social animals we also feel driven to get close to others and interact with them. Managing the potential threat and social reward of interacting with others is where personal space skill comes into play. We must learn how close or far we should be with one another when we attempt to socialize and interact verbally. We must learn not to talk loudly about intimate matters standing at a distance so others can hear. We must also learn not to invade someone’s personal space to whisper about something that is not that important. Social psychologist Edward Hall suggested four accepted distances in the United States and the appropriate topics to be discussed within them: intimate (0 to 18 inches), personal (18 inches to 4 feet), social (4 feet to 12 feet), and public (12 feet and beyond).

Children need to learn the appropriate distance to be with others so that they are not perceived as a threat or an annoyance by them. While children’s personal space mistakes with family members may not be a deal breaker at home, the consequences of making those same mistakes in school can short-circuit attempts to make friends. That is why it is important they correct potential mistakes participating in play groups before they are of an age to attend full-time school.

However, recent events have made it more necessary than ever for parents to participate more than they have before to prepare children for the social aspect of school by directly teaching their children the basic rules about the use of personal space. Today’s children have spent less time in face-to-face interaction for two reasons. First, they are having increasing amounts of time on screens and social media. Second, not only were they already spending less time interacting with one another before the pandemic, but the pandemic further isolated them and forced them to spend even more time on screens than they had before (Nowicki 2024).

Becoming skilled in the use of personal space was especially hampered by the loss of interpersonal interaction time. Children must be with one another interacting and making mistakes in personal space usage that can be corrected by peers or observing adults. Children beginning full-time school have not had adequate experience and opportunity to learn this nonverbal skill. That is why parents must become more involved in teaching their children what they need to know about managing personal space. Learning about how to manage interpersonal space cannot be done on screens.

How to get started

1. Become actively involved in observing your child interacting with others. Note the use of personal space. Are the distances they choose appropriate or are they unwelcomed “space invaders”?

2. Help your child to become aware of personal space. Talk about the meaning of the word “space.”

• You and your child observe others in public places and note how close or far away they are from one another. Have your child make some guesses about how much the people you observe like each other based on the distance they are from one another.
• Watch pedestrians on separate sides of the street cross and walk through one another to get to the other side of the street. Note how they manage space and don’t touch or crash into one another.

3. Teach your child the four zones of personal space. If you have the room, mark off 18 inches, 4 feet, and 12 feet with tape. Come up with intimate, personal, and public topics for children and discuss which distance should be used for each to be talked about.

4. Find something like a hula hoop. Wearing the hula hoop around the waist can give children a concrete idea of the size of a personal space bubble. Wearing the hoop also gives a rough estimate of the accepted distance to take when personally interacting with others.

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5. Have your child stand on a spot and have a friend (or family member) walk toward where your child is standing. Ask the child to say stop when they don’t want the other to come any closer. See if there are different distances depending on the relationship your child has with that individual.

Conclusion

Helping your child become more aware of personal space and more skilled in using it will prevent him or her from making the kinds of errors that can interfere with connecting with others and making friends. Paying attention to this all-important aspect of nonverbal communication has the potential to pay enormous benefits socially, especially for children beginning elementary school.