Children Don't Have to Be Lonely

It’s not okay for our children to be lonely and socially isolated. It's time for parents to teach them to do better.

“What do you mean my child is lonely and can’t make friends, he’s just fine at home?!” Those were the words of a mother spoken to me after an end-of-the-year conference with her child’s third-grade teacher. She and many other parents were receiving the unsettling news that their children were not doing well socially.

Later I met with this child’s teacher. “How’s it going?” I asked innocently enough. She stared at me for a moment, rolled her eyes, and sighed. “Not so good. I don’t know why it didn’t go better this year,” she said, “but the children are still so behind not only in their academics but also in how they behave and get along with each other. I teach third grade and I’m afraid my students continue to act like first graders. They can’t study or play by themselves or with others unless I constantly intervene and guide them. They can’t seem to get on the same page. It’s as though they are speaking different languages."

Children certainly are having “language” problems, but the language they are having problems with isn’t the one using words, but rather with the hidden language of nonverbal communication. Hidden because we usually aren’t aware we are using it to express our own and to read others' emotional messages in facial expressions, tones of voice, postures, gestures, personal space, touch, and rhythm. Because nonverbal signals carry powerful information about how we feel, deficits in the use of any one or more of these ways of communicating can wreak interpersonal havoc. Take 8-year-old Jaquil who could not tell the difference between an angry and a sad facial expression. When he mistakenly reads the angry face of a potential playmate as sad and tries to comfort him, he gets a push instead of the thank you he expects. Since most nonverbal communication takes place out of awareness, Jacquil won’t be able to correct his mistake because he doesn’t even realize he made one.

I believe such nonverbal difficulties are at the core of the behavior and emotional difficulties of many of our children. In my book, Raising a Socially Successful Child, I go into detail about how our children got into this fix and what to do about it. I point out that nonverbal communication is learned informally through interpersonal interactions with others, but the time usually reserved for this learning has been siphoned off by the overuse of screens and two years of pandemic isolation that have left children with less opportunity to pick up the meanings of nonverbal cues. While teachers see children’s failed attempts to get along, neither they nor the children are aware of the extensive role that children’s nonverbal skill ineptness plays in creating them.

I believe it is crucial for children to “catch up” nonverbally. Here's how to get started now.

The first step is all about “awareness.” Nonverbal language is kind of sneaky and usually works in secret. If children are going to improve their nonverbal social skills, what is private and out of awareness must become public and placed in awareness. Here is a brief description of each nonverbal “channel” and suggestions for helping children learn about them.

Facial expressions: Raise awareness of facial expressions by playing games that involve making different faces to express different emotions like happy, sad, angry, or fearful. You will be able to see which ones are more difficult and you can use a mirror or camera to provide feedback. Explain about the ‘resting” face or what our facial expression is communicating when we are not trying to communicate anything. Some of us have resting faces that look sad or angry even when we’re not feeling that way.

Personal space: Help your child become aware they have an invisible “bubble” of personal space around them. This space protects them from unwanted incursions from the outside. Two to four feet is usually the distance for making conversation. Getting too close to others can make them uncomfortable. You can make the “invisible” personal space more concrete and visible by marking out that distance on the ground. Move closer or further away from one another and talk about how it feels at different distances.

Social touch: Touch is a powerful communicator and must be used carefully, especially as children become older. Have children become aware of the differences between hard and soft touch. Some children don’t understand that poking and grabbing others to get attention can be irritating, Touch, in our culture, takes place on the outside, but not the inside of the body line. To raise awareness of touch, watch television programs, especially sports with the sound off and observe and discuss how and when touch takes place.

Vocalics: This refers to the sounds we make in addition to the saying of our words. How loud or soft do you say your words? Do you overuse “you know” or “hm” between words? Bring vocalics into your child’s awareness by using a neutral sentence like, “I have a bicycle that I ride” to take turns expressing it to communicate being happy, sad, angry, or afraid.

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Postures/gestures: The ways we stand, sit, or move our hands and arms have much to do with what others think of us and we of them. Increase awareness by asking your child to pose various postures to communicate how they feel or better yet, you provide the postures and have them guess what your message is. Teachers often complain how frustrating it is to come into the classroom and see students sitting with shoulders slumped, arms crossed, and head turned looking away. Does your child sit like this? Practice a more welcoming set of postures.

Rhythm: This is the most hidden and yet in many ways the most significant type of nonverbal communication. All human interaction depends on a sort of rhythm, a give-and-take of messages between people. We rarely notice rhythm unless we get out of sync with one another. Children should be able to move quicker or slower depending on the situation. Can they read the rhythm of others (walking or talking) and match it? Observe people moving about and talking with one another and see if children can tell if they are in sync or not.

This should get your “summer school” session off and running. There’s plenty more to learn but congratulate yourself and your child for the progress you make dedicate yourself to taking additional opportunities to help your child become more nonverbally skilled.