Boost Your 'Happy Hormones' to Fight Sadness and Anxiety

Source: © Miriam Doerr/Dreamstime

Sex is a godsend when you’re sad or anxious. It may be the last thing on your mind–the last thing you think you want to do–but it will lift your spirits better than a banana split. And the added benefit is that you’re burning calories, not spooning them into your mouth. To get technical, you are stimulating endorphins and dopamine to make yourself happy and lowering your cortisol level, thereby reducing stress.

Sure, you may be firmly not in the mood because your partner is the problem: “I don’t feel like it with him/her.” There are times, even in the life of a good relationship when the cause of your down or uneasy feelings is your relationship. You naturally don’t want to have sex with the cause of your temporary misery.

That’s why the goddesses invented sex toys. For women and men. Enjoy yourself. Feel happier. Return to your partner(s) after you feel happier.

Many years ago, when I was still more curious than experienced, one of my young friends and I—looking quite mature, no doubt–wandered into a sex toy shop in the West Village of Manhattan.

I didn’t know what most of the stuff was for, except for the items that looked anatomically correct. I saw “handcuffs” made of feathers and lubes that purportedly tasted like chocolate. Cages were suspended from the ceiling, and round things glowed in the dark.

You don’t have to buy any of that to explore the anti-depressant activity of playing with yourself. In fact, I would recommend that, before you buy anything, you simply relax with yourself and imagine. Imagine what feels good–like a bubble bath or a gorgeous celebrity confined with you in a bedroom due to a natural disaster that has sealed off all escape routes.

The point: Get to know yourself. Take time to figure out exactly what gives you sublime sexual pleasure. You don’t need anyone else to have an orgasm that wakes up the neighbor’s sleeping dog.

And when you know that and are adept at arousing your dopamine and endorphin levels, you can work on adding oxytocin to the mix by having sex with a partner. Oxytocin’s common name is the “love hormone.” It completes the mix that contributes to a happy, stress-free state.

Back to the toys.

1. Men

GQ published “The Best Sex Toys for Men” on March 13, 2023, and it’s a straightforward overview of the types of toys and descriptions of what a few promise to deliver. They also give a sense of cost–from $7 to $229. This does not include the AI sex robots priced at $3,495.

2. Women

When I was writing Mature Sexual Intimacy: Making Menopause a Turning Point, Not an Ending, I interviewed Carol Queen, who holds a doctorate in sexology and is an executive with the women-founded Good Vibrations sex toy store in San Francisco. Carol is a strong voice in the sex-positive feminism movement and designed an education program for the store. With about two dozen categories of toys and over 3,000 different items, education is useful.

3. Partners

Many of the toys imply a partnership, including many massage products, vibrators, and games. The games run the gamut from flirty conversation all the way to close-the-door-and-draw-the-blinds naughtiness.

And now, to answer your question, if it exists: What prompted this post?

After my mother died, I felt very sad. I wasn’t exactly affected by hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD)–the clinical term for minimal or no sex drive–but I was feeling low and anxious. The saving grace in this emotional pit was, and is, a relationship with someone who has empathy and knows how to reach me. I wish you the same in any upsetting event that may occur in your life.