Moving Beyond the Five Love Languages

The five love languages, originally described by Gary Chapman in his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, have recently come under criticism for being oversimplified, for not being based on research, and for being a vague guide to how to love your partner most effectively.

While many of these criticisms are accurate, I have found when working with couples that there is truth to knowing how your partner experiences love and working to demonstrate your care for them in ways that speak most deeply and directly to them.

What Are the Love Languages?

The five love languages proposed by Chapman propose that people experience love in one of five ways: through physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, or receiving gifts. The idea suggests that people naturally gravitate toward wanting to receive (or give) love according to these general categories and that knowing with which category your partner most resonates will help you have a successful marriage.

The biggest struggles I have seen with couples trying to implement love languages into their relationships are that these categories are too general to be effective and that people often resonate with more than one—if not all of them—at some point in their relationships.

For example, let’s say someone resonated with physical touch. That does not mean that they love all types of physical touch. Maybe they enjoy holding hands with their partner but hate getting a foot rub. They might enjoy cuddling together on the couch at home but would not enjoy the same type of cuddling in a booth at a restaurant.

By saying that their love language is physical touch, it suggests that they will feel loved by all types of physical touch, leaving their partner to struggle to figure out what it is exactly that they might enjoy, and often leaving them feeling disappointed and not fully connected.

Additionally, people typically resonate with more than one of the five categories. Just because someone enjoys their partner holding their hand doesn’t mean they might not also enjoy hearing their partner share the reasons they love them or having some one-on-one time with them. Reducing the way people feel loved to one or two categories might mean that the mark gets missed in being able to know and understand all the ways that they feel most loved.

Learning How Your Partner Feels Loved

While the five love languages may be an oversimplification, they touch on a true concept: People often experience and express love differently. When working with couples, I have often seen one partner try to express love to the other, while their partner may not even notice or realize that the other was trying to show love.

There is no right or wrong way to show love, but often people have different assumptions about how we do. For example, someone who grew up in a highly verbal family, with compliments and regularly saying “I love you," will probably feel comfortable expressing love in this way. They may need to hear their partner make similar statements in their relationship. However, someone who grew up in a family whose members did not make such statements may struggle to figure out how to express their feelings in words.

The Gottman Institute discusses "love maps" as a framework for better understanding one's partner. Love maps refer to having a strong understanding of your partner’s inner world, what is important to them, what they like, and who they are. These maps can grow and change over time, so partners must continually learn about each other and update their maps.

When it comes to how your partner feels loved, understanding their inner world and what is important to them can help you know how to make them feel loved. This might involve asking your partner questions to understand what they need from you or what makes them feel unique and valued. These answers are usually more nuanced than the broad love languages categories but also give more insight into what your partner needs to feel loved.

Want to Try It?

One activity I often assign to my clients to start learning how to love one another effectively is for each partner to think about five things their partner could do or say in a given week that would make them feel loved, appreciated, or noticed. I then have them write down each idea in the following format:

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I would feel [emotion] if you [specific action] because [how would that action create that feeling].

This format helps each partner learn what actions they could take to help their partner feel most loved. Also, it helps explain why that action would create the impact, creating a deeper emotional understanding and connection between the partners. Here are a few examples of what this might sound like:

• I would feel special if you held my hand in public because it tells me you are proud to be in a relationship with me.
• I would feel seen if you checked in with me about my upcoming project at work because it shows me that you are interested in the things that are important to me and want to support me.
• I would feel loved if you planned a date night for us because it would show me that you want to spend time with me.

After each partner shares their ideas from their list, they have a chance to discuss the different options and better understand how these ideas would work for their partner.

For example, someone might say that they get sweaty hands in public, so holding hands is not comfortable for them, and ask if it would work if they linked arms instead or if there was another way to show pride in their relationship. Or a partner might explain that they try to ask about the work project when they ask, “How was your day?” and ask how they might be able to change that question so that their partner can feel the support more clearly.

In this way, both partners learn about what each other needs, and find ways to meet those needs in a way that feels authentic to both of them.

After this discussion, I challenge couples to invest in loving their partner in the ways that their partner has requested for a week at a time, checking in with one another at the end of each week to share times that they noticed their partner working to invest in the ways that they asked for. This increases their ability to not only demonstrate love but also to notice the efforts that their partner makes to demonstrate that love.

This activity can be repeated many times throughout a relationship, giving space to continue learning about your partner and loving (and being loved) in the most effective ways for you at any given point in your life.