Surviving Gaslighting Relationships: 6 Core Themes

How do gaslighting survivors cope and recover in the aftermath of an abusive relationship? This was a main question of a study led by Willis Klein of McGill University.

Gaslighting in romantic relationships is a form of abuse in which the perpetrator lies, bullies, and manipulates their partner on an ongoing basis, and as a result subverts their judgement of what is true and false. Examples include calling someone irrational, twisting the facts, and refusing to discuss issues in a principled manner.

To gain better insight into the long-term effects of being gaslit in a romantic relationship, Klein and his collaborators recruited survivors through online platforms, including Facebook and Reddit. In the final tally, there were 65 participants between the ages of 18 and 69, who were mostly female and heterosexual.

The participants identified themselves as having been involved in a gaslighting romantic relationship for a minimum of four months, and completed a survey about their experiences. They were asked about their relationships, examples of gaslighting, and the effects of gaslighting on their mental health. From there, Klein and his team coded the surveys and analyzed them for themes.

The results were striking. The participants’ narratives yielded five themes, all of which revealed the long-term effects gaslighting had on them and what they did to recover. The study's findings are summarized below.

Theme 1: Diminished sense of self

Survivors shared that their sense of self was broken or diminished in important ways. They also expressed feeling worthless and confused.

One participant reflected: “[I] barely felt like a person anymore. I suppose it did get worse, but when your perception of the truth gets warped, it's hard to tell up from down.”

Theme 2: Guardedness and mistrust of future relationships

Participants emerged from their gaslighting relationships with a greater sense of guardedness and mistrust of relationships going forward. Some survivors chose to remain socially isolated well after the breakup, and their experience with their perpetrator spilled over into other relationships. Consider a participant’s experience:

"It has affected every relationship I've had since. I'm still paranoid that people are trying to undermine me, that I can't express my own feelings or opinions because someone will try to change them or take them away from me, or make me feel less than myself. It definitely has made me more guarded and paranoid."

Theme 3: Recovery and post-traumatic growth

Some participants shared that they had not recovered from their gaslighting relationships. Yet among those who experienced some measure of recovery, they found that ending the relationship with the perpetrator provided relief: “Right when things ended, I immediately regained my sense of self as well as confidence.”

Theme 4: Time with others

Spending time with others was key for recovery. Participants reported a range of shared interactions, including casual conversation, recreational drinking, board games, sports, dancing, and/or playing music. What seemed paramount was being with people who did not undermine survivors' interpretation of reality.

Theme 5: Re-embodying activities

The majority of participants who recovered from their gaslighting relationships reported engaging in hobbies that helped to “clarify” their sense of self. Many of these activities were re-embodying, such as yoga, meditation, and sports.

Klein and his team note that physical activity involves developing interoceptive awareness (i.e., identifying internal physiological processes, such as heart rate, hunger, pain, and feelings), which also helps individuals more fully clarify their self-concept. Writing, journaling, and creating art also helped with self-expression and clarifying one’s identity.

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Themes 6: Strong sense of self

The survivors emerged from the trauma of their emotional abuse with a “clearer” or “stronger” sense of self. Survivors’ narratives often referenced having better boundaries as well.

As one participant put things: “I am now comfortable with myself and being alone. I do not feel the need to be in a relationship to be happy and have found peace within myself.”