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Peggy Orenstein published in the Atlantic (January/February 2020) an indictment of how boys are being raised and the cultural norms that impact them. After reading her lengthy article, I felt that nothing has changed about the messages we send on what it means to be a man. For example, we have heard a lot about the dysfunction of the “bro-culture” in Silicon Valley, which can be described as frat-like in behavior and makes headlines for sexual harassment.
Emily Chang, in her book Brotopia, reveals that the secret sex parties are just a symptom of a much deeper problem that Silicon Valley’s tech industry has with its treatment of women. Ms. Chang’s examination of that issue coincides with the #MeToo moment and the broader debate about gender equality that it has sparked. Peggy Orenstein identifies bro-culture’s dark underbelly of male-dominated enclaves: all-boys schools, fraternities, Wall Street, Silicon Valley, Hollywood, the military. She claims all these groups promote bonding and, at the same time, “preach honor, pride, and integrity,” but, most important, men tend to treat anyone “not on the team” as the enemy, justifying hostility toward them. Think bros before hos.
In her two years of talking with boys aged 16 to 21 across America (more than 100), she claims that loyalty is paramount in bro culture, and masculinity is reinforced and established through misogynist language and homophobia. When she asked them to describe the “ideal guy,” these boys appeared to be harking back to 1955. Dominance, aggression, rugged good looks with an emphasis on height, sexual prowess, stoicism, and athletic ability were the primary qualities identified. Fast-forward to today’s American workplace, and research indicates that these conventional scripts are played out in the form of bullying and harassment.
Additionally, adherence to these traditional masculine norms is associated with binge drinking, risky sexual behavior, and getting in car accidents. They also suffer more from depression, are less happy, and have fewer friends. We are, once again, back to the high costs of sex-role rigidity, and we know masculinity is less flexible than femininity.
According to Andrew Smiler, a psychologist who has studied Western masculinity, it wasn’t always this way. The ideal late-19th-century man was compassionate, a caretaker, but these qualities lost favor as paid labor moved from homes to factories during industrialization. An illustration is the Boy Scout motto that urges boys and men to be loyal, courteous, friendly, and kind was founded in 1910. He makes the argument this creed was founded to counteract this dehumanizing trend in masculinity. During the second half of the 20th century, traditional paths to masculinity were early marriage; breadwinning began to close, along with positive traits associated with them.
Here we are today with a need to rethink how we raise boys and hold up as role models for what it means to be a man. It will require models of manhood that are more androgynous, knowing that toughness and compassion can coexist and emphasize emotional flexibility.
