Are Your Good Intentions Sabotaging Your Relationship?

Satisfying and sustainable romantic relationships take work. We all know that patience, understanding, and flexibility are important qualities to practice for lasting love. And many of us add to that list the age-old pro-social behavior of sacrifice to improve our relationships.

If we are in a committed relationship, we can all likely relate to giving up our personal preferences at times to please our partners and promote their well-being. Some may sacrifice regularly, believing it will benefit their partner and relationship over time.

Others sacrifice not just the small daily things but the larger, more challenging ones. Who has not given up something important to us because our partner wanted something completely different?

Maybe we decided to forgo that European educational trip we’d been saving up for in favor of a lazy beach vacation our partner suggested—even though we despise the sand and turn lobster-red after ten minutes in the sun. Or perhaps we abandoned our heart’s desire to settle in the tranquil country and instead succumbed to living in a crowded, big city that our partner loves.

We may tell ourselves that we want what’s best for our partner and relationship. And that nothing could demonstrate this more powerfully than by sacrificing for them on the really big things.

Source: Keira Burton/Pexels

Sacrificing as A Mixed Bag of Emotions

However, researchers found that sacrifice isn’t necessarily all it’s cracked up to be. Studies suggest that it doesn’t guarantee any boost in relationship satisfaction, and it often backfires.

A recent meta-analysis found that sacrificing for our partner can have a negative impact on our well-being. And our partner often doesn’t experience an automatic spike in positive emotions, as we may have mistakenly thought. At best, our partner may end up with mixed feelings. How can this be when we gave up so much for them?

Part of the reason our sacrifice is not as beneficial as we may think is that our partner often isn’t even aware of our sacrifice. Researchers found that 50 percent of the time, the romantic partner wasn’t able to express gratitude to their significant other because they didn’t even notice the sacrifice. (For more information on the benefits of expressing and receiving gratitude in a relationship, see the chapter we dedicate to it in our book Happy Together.)

And when they are aware of the sacrifice, in addition to some positive feelings, they may also experience negative ones—because they may feel indebted to us, or even worse, guilty. A mixed bag, for sure.

Previous research has shown that relational sacrifices that were more challenging were negatively associated with relationship satisfaction. At the same time, those that were more frequent and easier were most beneficial to relationship quality. Also, attachment styles played a role as well in these associations.

To Sacrifice or Not?

So now what? You may be thinking, "should I or shouldn’t I sacrifice if it doesn’t guarantee a benefit to my relationship?" Like most things, it’s not an all-or-nothing but rather a more nuanced approach that is most beneficial when it comes to sacrifice.

Given recent research, we suggest the following tips that might help when you consider sacrificing for your relationship:

• Reexamine what you’re sacrificing and your willingness to do so. Willingness to sacrifice was linked with higher well-being for both the persons giving and receiving the sacrifice.
• Focus on small, daily sacrifices rather than occasional large, challenging ones.
• Find out whether your partner is aware of your intended sacrifice. Discuss the impact of the sacrifice on both of you and your relationship at the moment and down the road. (You may be surprised to find that what you’re planning to give up is not something your partner even wants you to do.)
• Reassess and reframe the sacrifice in a good light if you’re willing to go through with it. Consider some greater long-term benefits that may result from a little sacrifice now.
• Finally, if you’re not willing to sacrifice, say on that vacation, consider possible alternatives like compromising (e.g., doing a museum tour in the south of France where you can also take time on the beach) or what researchers call “going your own way” (e.g., by each person taking a separate solo mini-vacation that feeds their soul).

In sum, remember that one size does not fit all (or even most) couples regarding sacrifice and alternative solutions. Attachment styles, personality, and personal goals all play a role. Specific types of sacrifices might work for some couples and not others. And super independent types may have no problem “going their own way,” while others might find that option distasteful.

Whatever you do, don’t look at what others do; instead, focus on each other. Being open with your partner about what works for both of you is most important to preserve and strengthen your relationship in the moment and over time.