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Key points
- Yelling is an unhelpful behavior in a conflict.
- We can reduce or stop yelling with self-soothing.
- It's important to tell your partner how you feel in a calm way to avoid escalating a conflict.
Do you or your partner yell when you're in a conflict? Raising your voice can be a sign of flooding, defensiveness, hurt, fear, or a way to feel heard. Yelling doesn’t actually help any situation of conflict in a relationship. When our partner yells it can escalate our fight-or-flight response and put us into defensive mode. It actually makes us stop listening and try to find some control or safety in the situation. If you are feeling unheard it can be an automatic response to raise your voice—Can’t hear me? I’ll just talk louder! in reality, though, it’s rarely a volume issue, and raising our voice does not end with our partner becoming a better listener.
Sometimes we feel hurt by our partner and this extreme emotional response can trigger yelling. You may feel the need to protect yourself and yelling can give you a false sense of control and power. It may feel counterproductive to be vulnerable at this moment but telling your partner how you feel can be much more productive than yelling
Often when we are flooded, we experience an inability to think clearly which can cause unintentional yelling. The way to counteract this is to self-soothe and take a break. If you want to stop the cycle of unproductive yelling, follow these steps:
1. When you notice yelling start, call a time out so you both can take a break to self-soothe. Be mindful of how you feel before the yelling starts and try to recognize the warning signs before it happens. Try calling the time out at the first recognition of the warning signs.
2. During the time out, relax and distract yourself from the conflict. You don’t want to replay it or plan what you want to say, but instead try to get your heart rate down and breathing slowed. Try meditation, exercise, reading, or playing a game.
3. When you are done with the time out, return together to talk about how you are feeling and what you need from each other. Try to be polite and compromise with your partner. If you feel like the yelling could come back, take another time out.
4. Some helpful statements when yelling happens can be: “I have trouble listening when people raise their voices. Can you rephrase that for me in a calmer way?” or, “I don’t think our communication is very productive when we raise our voices. Can we take a breather for 15 minutes and come back together?”
5. Talk to your partner about coming up with a code word for when yelling comes into conflict. Agree that this code word is a signal to take a break before coming back together to try again.
It’s important to remember that working to make changes is hard work and takes time to master. If you put effort into reducing the yelling in your relationship, it will soon feel easier to keep your voice at a calm level. Doing individual or couples therapy can also be helpful in identifying the root causes of yelling. Understanding exactly why you yell can make it easier to stop the behavior.
