Your Child Needs at Least One Good Friend

Children (like adults) vary in their social needs. Some are perfectly happy and healthy with one or two friends; others are easily popular and enjoy having lots of friends. The number of friends doesn’t matter, but having good friends matters a lot in your child’s development, from the age of three or four on into adulthood.

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How do your child’s friends affect their development?

A child or adolescent who has a strong network of social support—including friends as well as family, extended family, neighbours, and others—is more resilient, happier, and more successful than others. Research on kids’ friendships (as one component of social support) shows that the benefits include self-knowledge, confidence, resilience, stress management, social skills, competence, motivation, ethics, conflict resolution, school adjustment, academic achievement, health, and well-being.

So, friendships matter a lot to your child’s thriving, now and as they get older. But of course not all friendships are healthy and positive. Some are toxic, and will undermine your child’s confidence, healthy choices, and resilience.

What if you’re worried about a “bad” friend? What should you look for in your child’s behavior?

1. Changed behavior after spending time with certain friends. Does your child behave differently after spending time with someone? Maybe more attitude, less co-operation?
2. Reduced confidence. If your child has found a toxic friend, you’ll see their self-confidence waning, although that can show up as bravado or false confidence. Maybe they talk back to you, or are more negative than usual. Alternatively, self-confidence erosion can show up as increasing worries and insecurity. Maybe they let their toxic friend push them around or lead them into anti-social activities they wouldn’t normally engage in.
3. Focus on one friend. Your child might begin to talk a lot about pleasing or appeasing one particular friend.
4. Avoidance. Your child might try to avoid school or other activities they normally enjoy. They might also isolate themselves from family or other friends.
5. Emotional outbursts. Your child may become more emotional than usual, which can show up as anger, sadness, or moodiness.

What should you do if you think your child’s friends are a bad influence?

Peer approval and social connections are vitally important to children, especially as they move toward the teen years, so it can be hard for them to recognize an unhealthy friendship. They need to manage their own friendships, but there are ways you can help them do that as successfully and happily as possible.

1. Listen. Take it seriously if your child talks about the friend you’re worried about. Turn off your phone, stop what you’re doing, and give your child your full attention.
2. Don’t criticize or judge. Validate your child’s feelings. Let them know you understand how important their friendships are.
3. Support your child in recognizing their own value. Talk to them about their positive attributes, and help them realize how wonderful they are.
4. Help your child find others with similar interests. Look for an activity your child will enjoy and do well at, and that expands their social circle. It could be a drama class, a sports team, a video game coding club, or anything where your child can interact with others who share their engagement in that activity.
5. Talk about healthy vs. toxic relationships in your own life. Discuss how spending time with some people makes you feel better about yourself, whereas other people pull you down.
6. Talk about the signs of healthy friendships. These include treating you with kindness and respect, listening to your problems, being happy for you when good things happen to you, understanding you have other friends and activities in your life, and apologizing sincerely when they’ve hurt you.
7. Talk about the signs of toxic friendships. These include a friend saying manipulative things like “I won’t be your friend anymore if…”, being cruel or disrespectful, not caring about hurting your feelings, excluding people to make them feel bad, talking a lot about themselves but not being very interested in you, putting pressure on you to do things you don’t really want to do, and trying to cut you off from other friends.
8. If your child mentions a problem, help them find the solution. If your child asks for advice, don’t give it. Instead, listen thoughtfully and ask questions that support them in finding a good solution, or at least taking a first step in that direction.
9. Reinforce your family’s boundaries. If your child’s friend is influencing them to do things you consider unacceptable—being rude to the teacher, for example, teasing or mocking other kids, engaging in online bullying, or shoplifting—explain to your child that that’s not okay in your family. Discuss how different families make different rules for life, and that this behavior is outside the bounds for your family.
10. Get help. If your child seems to be declining, or has a pattern of making bad friendship choices, consider whether it’s time to look for professional help.

Your child’s friendships are critically important in their development. You can support them in making wise choices that help them be and become their best self.