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Every situation and every child is unique, and divorce can affect any aspect of a child's life and development. With some kids, their grades plummet; others throw themselves into schoolwork to the exclusion of everything else. Some kids become depressed, suicidal, or angry; others become unusually helpful and cheery. Some kids become antisocial; others become excessively social. Some become mistrustful of close relationships; others become hypersexual. Some children experience eating disorders and sleep problems; others seem to sail through unaffected by their parents’ divorce.
No matter how your kids respond to the changes underway in their lives, remember that ‘traditional’ families have problems, too, and that your parenting behaviours through the disruption and afterward can make a difference to their long term development. Children who feel loved and supported through the divorce process and whose parents negotiate custody amicably can become more competent and capable than those who don’t experience this kind of challenge, change, or disruption.
How can you navigate successfully through divorce?
- Acceptance. Disruption is inevitable. There will be challenges and unhappy times. Accept that, let that be okay.
- Availability. Be as available as possible to your kids, to listen and provide support. They need you more than ever now, to be fully present and attuned to their needs.
- Predictability. Do what you can to create a calm, dependable home environment. Establish and maintain predictable (new) routines.
- Maturity. Be strong and reliable for your kids. They need to know they’ve got at least one parent they can count on to be a grown-up.
- Positivity. Emphasize the positive attributes of the other parent. Avoid all temptations to point out his or her flaws to your kids.
- Friendship. Create a network of social support for yourself and for your kids. This is a time to rely on family and friends, and to seek their help.
- Boundaries. Do not share your marital problems with the kids. They are your children, not your friends.
- Me-time. Look for ways to take care of your own physical, social, intellectual, and emotional needs.
- Fulfillment. Create a fulfilling life for yourself. Be a model of happy productivity, and you’ll find that your kids learn a lot about coping with changes and setbacks in their own lives.
- Perspective. Family composition is less important to children’s development over the long term than kindness, boundary-setting, and meaningful learning opportunities. Remind yourself of this whenever things feel overwhelming.
As much as divorce disrupts adults’ lives, it’s usually more fundamental for kids. If they can’t trust at least one of their parents to be there for them, the world becomes a dangerous and scary place. Divorce can turn kids upside-down for a while, but the basic rules of parenting still apply. If you can be good to yourself and strong for your kids, and if you can stay attuned to their emotional, social, physical, and intellectual needs, you’ll find you all emerge stronger and happier at the end.
For more on these topics:
‘Raising Happily Productive Kids in Every Kind of Family,’ Interview with Matt Townsend, BYU radio, Sirius XM, July 2, 2015
Beyond Intelligence: Secrets for Raising Happily Productive Kids, by Dona Matthews and Joanne Foster
‘Is Divorce Bad for Children?’ Hal Arkowitz and Scott O. Lilienfeld
‘Single Parenting and Today’s Family,’ American Psychological Association Help Center
