An Evidence-Based Strategy for Talking to Teens

In my previous post, I explored the scientific foundation of Motivational Interviewing (MI) as an approach to facilitate behavioral change. Additionally, I outlined how MI skills can empower parents to steer their children towards constructive transformations without imposing solutions.

So let’s get to the nuts and bolts of how it works! MI involves four processes: engaging, focusing, evoking, and planning.

1. In the clinical world, engaging means developing a connection with your client. Here’s the great news — you already have that with your child! What you might not have is a relationship whereby your child is used to you listening and guiding rather than lecturing and directing. So, the first phase of transitioning your relationship with your college child may be to practice that shift. Less lecturing, more listening.
2. In clinical practice, focusing means that you agree on a goal to work on. In a parenting context, your child presumably has a series of things on their mind. Maybe they already talk to you about them, but maybe they don’t. Unfortunately, the research on emerging adults suggests that some of the improvements in parent child relations in emerging adulthood come about because kids are talking to their parents less!
3. Evoking is when a clinician is trying to understand their client’s motivations for change. This is the opposite of what many clinicians (and most parents!) naturally do: it is not up to you to determine what your child is doing wrong and what they should be doing. It is up to you to talk to your child and get them to tell you about the reasons for change. Remember, you need to get your child to talk about the change; it’s counterproductive for you to talk about it!
4. The final phase is planning. When an individual is ready, they start to think about how to implement steps to make a change. Planning is an iterative process. You don’t just do it once and be done with it. Rarely does life unfold that easily. You adapt and devise new steps depending on how things unfold.

Here are the skills you need:

1. Ask open-ended questions. This is key for developing a relationship (with clients or kids!) and showing your child that you are there to listen, not to direct. This may be a shift in your relationship and take some time. Remember this is a new way of interacting with your child. But don’t ask lots of questions that can be answered with Yes/No or short answers (e.g., Are things going well at school?).
2. Don’t forget to affirm your child. Point out their strengths, abilities, and your confidence in their ability to do it. You can use phrases like “It sounds like this is really challenging. No wonder you feel overwhelmed.” “It’s a hard decision. You are really working to figure out what you want. It might take a while but I’m confident you’ll figure it out.” It may seem obvious, but don’t belittle your child or make them feel bad about the challenges they are experiencing. That does not help them to change.
3. Make reflective statements. “It sounds like…” “What I hear you saying…” This both makes sure you understand and has the advantage of them hearing their own argument again.
4. Summarizing. After talking through a challenging issue and weighing the pros and cons, it’s good to summarize what’s been discussed.

Note: MI doesn’t mean that you should never offer advice. It just means that you don’t offer advice without permission.

If MI doesn’t come naturally to you (ahem, fellow directive parents I’m looking at you), here are some questions you can use in conversations with your child to help you get into the motivational style of conversation:

• What are the pros and cons of [making this change/the decision they are considering]?
• Tell me about your concerns.
• Let’s think through the potential benefits of [this change/course of action]. What are some positive things about it?
• What are the things that are most important to you in life? How would making this change relate to those goals?
• What are some of the drawbacks of [making the change/this course of action]?
• On a scale of 1 to 10, how confident are you in your ability to make a change? What would help make that number higher?
• How does the situation fit with what really matters to you?
• How would this change/course of action contribute to your overall well-being or personal sense of fulfillment?
• How can I do to support you in making this decision/change?
• What are some ways you can celebrate or reward yourself for making milestones along the way?
• What are some strategies you could put in place to help with this change?

Key Takeaways to Remember

• You have to let go of your natural desire to convince or persuade your child of the “correct” course of action.
• Never lecture or go into a monologue.
• It must be a collaborative conversation.
• That means being a good listener!
• You are a guide — not the director.
• Remember, it’s human nature: if you argue for one side, the other person is more likely to remind you of the opposing arguments.
• The more that a person vocalizes any one argument, the more likely they are to be persuaded by it! This means you can’t tell your child what to do; you have to get them to say it/generate it.

And finally, remember that parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. If you focus entirely on the outcome, you’ll fail to appreciate the beauty of the journey. Enjoy the adventure!