Do You Have What It Takes to Make Your Relationship Work?

When you think about what keeps your relationship running smoothly, some of the first possibilities probably involve such factors as attraction or passion. You might also nominate good conflict resolution as another contributor to the ongoing satisfaction you and your partner experience. Communication might come in as another close contender. However, what if the essential element is one you’ve never considered at all? Are you missing important insights?

According to a new study by Utrecht University’s Reince van der Wal and colleagues (2024), it’s not just you who fails to detect obvious clues. As the Dutch authors note, when things are going badly, people take stock of such factors as their partner’s faults, or perhaps their own. “But,” they note, “what about the potential impact of our own cherished values?” Could these “imperil our chances of success at happiness in our romantic relationships?” (p. 1066).

Values as the Glue in Romantic Relationships

Once you stop and think about this eye-opening proposition, it starts to make sense. Perhaps the last argument you had with your partner was about who was willing to sacrifice for whom. You would love to go out and enjoy the nice weather on a sunny day, but your partner is dragged down in a work project that has to be completed the next day, sunshine or not. How can your partner be so selfish, you ask yourself? Frustrated and annoyed, you head out on your own, stewing all the time about how you wish you had your partner’s companionship.

Peeling through the layers of this dilemma, consider the possibility that you and your partner are experiencing a conflict not in emotions but in values. Sure, your partner could drop everything and spend the afternoon with you, but that would violate your partner’s value of achievement. Or, you could take your partner’s point of view and realize that your demand is, under the circumstances, a bit selfish. In either case, there’s a values mismatch.

The types of values that will bear most strongly on relationship well-being, van der Wal et al. propose, are “self-transcendence,” in which you are able to focus on the other person’s best interests, not your own. If, alternatively, you value “self-enhancement,” you’ll be in it for yourself. Not only does self-transcendence mean you place your partner’s well-being on a higher rung of the ladder than your own, but you will be more likely to forgive, make sacrifices, and support your partner.

Translating Self-Transcendence into Relationship Terms

The theory driving the Utrecht U. study is based on a circular model of values in which self-transcendence is on the opposite side of a wheel from self-enhancement. The complete set of values on the wheel fall into these categories:

• Self-Transcendence: Universalism (concern, tolerance) and benevolence (dependability, caring, and some humility).
• Conservation: Tradition (the rest of humility and conformity to rules and norms).
• Openness to change: Hedonism, stimulation, and self-direction (to thought and action).
• Self-Enhancement: Achievement and power (resources, dominance).

These terms lend themselves easily to questions you could ask yourself about where you and your partner stack up on each set of values, as well as the all-important self-enhancement vs. -transcendent qualities. Some sample questions from the values measure the authors used in their work include “caring for the well-being of people he or she is close to is important to him or her” (self-transcendence) and “he or she thinks it is important to be ambitious” (self-enhancement). The job of the participant was to rate how closely this fictitious person was to themselves (“not at all” to “very much like me”).

Across a series of five studies with online adult participants, the authors tested the correlations between personal values and relationship satisfaction, with four studies based on self-reports only and the fifth on dyadic (couple) data. The first four studies confirmed the prediction that people higher in self-transcendent values would have higher relationship satisfaction. Additionally, these studies showed that part of this finding was driven by intrinsic motivation in the relationship (valuing the partner for who they are) and communal strength (being willing to respond to the partner’s needs).

In the fifth study, the research team included both members of the couple (562 couples ages 18 to 82). This allowed them to test the “APIM” statistic (actor-partner interdependence model), evaluating each partner’s individual and joint contributions to the results. Surprisingly, it was only the actor’s values (not the partner’s) that predicted relationship quality. Instead of the “reality” of the partner’s values, satisfaction is driven by one’s own “beneficial illusions about the quality of the relationship” (p. 1076), the authors concluded.

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What the Findings Mean for Your Relationship

The Dutch findings suggest that if you’re seeking to improve your own happiness within a committed relationship, you take stock of your own values, specifically self-transcendence. Indeed, it somewhat surprised the authors to learn that all of those other values on the wheel had little to do with relationship satisfaction, countering “evidence that the prevention of relationship boredom is crucial in romantic relationships” (p. 1076).

The fact that the partner’s values or perceptions had little to do with predicting relationship satisfaction may seem a little discomforting to you, though. Does this mean that you always have to put your partner first? Are you never allowed to entertain a selfish desire, even one as innocent as dragging your partner away from their work on a nice day?

To answer this question, it’s necessary to drill a little bit further into the meaning of “self-transcendence.” You don’t always have to give in to your partner, but if you’re higher on this value, you’ll be more tuned in to your partner’s emotional state. Valuing the relationship (intrinsic motivation), you’ll be better able to see the big picture in terms of what matters to keep the relationship flourishing. At the same time, the relationship will play a larger role in defining your own sense of self.

There is also the possibility that, given the study’s correlational nature, the happier you are, the more likely you are to put your partner’s needs first. Having self-transcendent values could be an outcome of a good relationship that continues to benefit your well-being. Extrapolating further, maybe you’ve learned through your relationship to be a bit more selfless in general, even with people who aren’t your romantic partner.

To sum up, a satisfying relationship may allow you to grow in ways you don’t even realize, Sensitivity to your partner’s needs can help you grow not only as a partner, but as an individual who can adopt a fulfilling set of personal values.