How People Bounce Back After a Breakup

Source: GRSI/Shutterstock

In the ideal world, close relationships continue forever, or at least until “death do us part.” However, the world is not ideal, and relationships do end. If you’re in the midst of this process now, or think back on the days when you and a partner decided to call it quits, you know how emotionally difficult this process can be.

Not everyone becomes devastated, though, when they lose their close romantic partner, even a partner of many years. Either you, or someone you know, may have shown this pattern of resilience. Sure, the immediate aftermath of the breakup was anything but pleasant, but you (or this other person) managed to emerge emotionally intact.

Predicting the Outcome of a Breakup

According to a new paper by the German Center for Integration and Migration Research’s Kien Tran and colleagues (2024), there are two ways to think about the end of a relationship. According to stage models, adjustment occurs in a “universal- though varying- progression of protest, coupled with anger, self-pity, sadness, despair, and resignation vs. acceptance." Process models instead see development through this life event as continuous, changing over time as couples, and any children, adjust to their new reality.

The key question in all of this is whether it’s possible to predict, whether based on a stage or process model, who will make it to the other side of this important life event and restore a sense of equanimity. Most of the previous research, the German researchers note, use levels of emotional distress that couples and families experience at the time of the breakup as predictors of long-term outcomes. The people whose outcomes are the worst, from this perspective, are the ones who lose income, are forced to move, become single parents, and go through custody conflicts. Understanding what happens at the time of the breakup could help predict who ends up in these unfortunate situations.

Testing the Breakup Predictors

Taking advantage of the German Family Panel Study (pairfam), a long-term study with annual assessments, Tran and the research team were able to follow 3,734 breakups (from 2,709 individuals) through the first year of a major relationship dissolution.

Looking first at the overall levels of the study’s measures, on average, the strongest emotion experienced was relief, followed by sadness, guilt, and anger. The sample averaged 27 years old (ranging from 18 to 48), and couples had been together for an average of three years (ranging from one month to 12 plus years). Prior to the relationship’s ending, the participants rated their relationship experiences as more positive than negative. Of the reasons for the breakup, the most frequent given were serious conflicts caused by the partner (44 percent), serious conflicts caused by the participant (36 percent), with infidelity by the partner (15 percent) and by participants (14 percent) coming in far less frequently. A small minority (9 percent partner, 3 percent participants) cited violent arguments as a cause. Ratings of who caused the breakup were 3.59/5 for self and 2.91/5 for partner. Time since separation also became a factor in the prediction equation of outcomes, as was current relationship status (i.e., being with a new partner).

A number of factors proved to have positive effects on emotional adjustment in the year following separation. Number one was less time in the relationship, followed by initiator status (being the initiator), amount of time since separation, being in a new relationship, and having a strong social support network. Predictors of relief with separation were consistent with what you might expect, including serious problems with the partner, the partner’s infidelity, and physical violence. However, the effect of the partner’s infidelity still continued to burn on at the time of one-year follow-ups.

Having a new partner also predicted positive outcomes of relationship dissolution, as did having friends and social contacts. Positive outcomes of relief and satisfaction also turned out to reflect satisfaction with one’s financial situation, as you might expect.

Perhaps surprisingly, positive relationship experiences, as well as negative experiences, predicted poorer short-term adjustment. As the authors noted, when things are going well, “a relationship dissolution comes as a particular surprise and is more difficult to process” (p. 11). From the standpoint of negative experiences, although it might seem possible that people would be happy to get out of a bad relationship, the opposite situation of “separation stress” instead played a role, “undermining coping skills…” perhaps leading people to wonder “why they stayed in the relationship for so long or whether the situation was their fault."

Putting the Findings to Use

Whether the situation of transitioning out of a relationship applies to you now, or did so in the past, the German study’s results provide three takeaway messages:

1. Given the relatively low levels of most negative emotions, people do make it through and re-establish their emotional equilibrium.
2. Friends and a social support network also came through as important in the findings, suggesting that turning to others can be an important resource. Rather than feeling ashamed of yourself for not being able to make the relationship work, you can look to those people to help you through these early stages of the process.
3. Processing both the positive and negative aspects of the relationship, including one’s own role in its ending, can “foster coping and adaptation."

If you’re currently in a long-term relationship that seems pretty happy, the chances are that the relationship will persist, but there may be danger signs to look out for. Feeling that things are going well isn’t a guarantee that the relationship will last indefinitely. Additionally, given the importance of friends and a social network, try to avoid what prior researchers have called “dyadic withdrawal,” in which people let their friends drift away as they focus increasingly on their partner.

Relationships Essential Reads

5 Green Flags in Long-Term Relationships

Strategies to Cultivate the Relationships You Want

To sum up, there is indeed good news from this study attesting to the resilience that even one of life’s toughest situations can bring out in people. Most do get through this experience, and with enough social and emotional support, can go on to find fulfillment in their future relationships.

Facebook image: Beautrium/Shutterstock