Do You Need Fierce Self-Compassion?

Do you find it difficult to say “no”? Are you scared of setting boundaries? Can you confidently and calmly stand up for yourself? If mastering these skills feels like it might stretch you well outside your comfort zone, please know you’re not alone.

“People who are raised as girls and women are generally socialized to be loving and caring towards others, but when it comes to themselves, they’re often taught they should be self-sacrificing,” explained Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the world’s leading researchers on self-compassion, in this recent podcast. “This can make practicing self-compassion challenging as they don’t know how to show up for themselves.”

At the most basic level, Kristin defines self-compassion as being a good friend to ourselves. She recommends that when we’re struggling, we ask ourselves: “What do I need right now to feel safe, calm, or supported?”

Based on our response, Kristin suggests there are two types of self-compassion we may want to reach for in these moments:

• Tenderness helps us to accept that we’re imperfect (just like everyone on this planet) and that learning can be challenging, but we are still worthy of kindness and support.
• Action helps us to meet our needs by changing unhealthy behaviors or situations.

“If we’re too much about acceptance, we’re at risk of becoming complacent, and that doesn’t help us in the long run,” explained Kristin. “In contrast, fierce self-compassion gives us the energy we need to protect, provide, and motivate ourselves.”

For example, fierce self-compassion can help us to:

• Protect ourselves by setting healthy boundaries when something is not good for us or channel our anger constructively to prevent suffering.
• Provide for ourselves by prioritizing self-care to ensure we don’t burn out.
• Motivate ourselves by building our confidence to continue learning and growing.

Kristin suggests we can reach for self-compassion when we’re struggling by:

• Being mindful: Remind yourself that what you’re going through is difficult. Instead of being lost in the difficulty or ignoring it and stiff-upper-lipping it, you’re just taking a moment to say, “Hey, this is hard. It’s hard to feel this way.”
• Staying connected: Remember, you aren’t alone in this difficulty, challenge, mistake, or failure. This is part of life. Let it help you feel connected with others rather than ashamed and separate.
• Offer kindness: The good news is you already know what to say to yourself in these moments as you are skilled at providing compassion for others. So, what would you say to a really good friend who was going through the exact same thing you’re going through right now? Show yourself this same kindness.

Cultivating Self-Compassion

Source: The Good Girl Game Changers