We Miss Out on Events When We Don't Like to Go Alone

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Bruce (Springsteen) played at MetLife Stadium this past weekend in New Jersey, about an hour’s drive from my home. I’ve been a huge fan of his for a long time, but I’ve never seen him in concert. There were still tickets available, yet I held back. Why? Because I didn’t want to go alone.

I’m a fairly independent woman, a proud introvert who has lived alone since graduating from college. I love living alone and I admittedly need a lot of solo time to recharge my batteries from a demanding job as a licensed clinical social worker. I enjoy spending time with small groups of friends and also seeing my brother and his family, but I hesitate when leisure time involves large crowds, such as concerts or even movies.

I don’t have social anxiety and I often wonder why I hesitate when it comes going to places solo. I have eaten out alone — and I don;t just mean for a slice of pizza, but sit-down restaurants where I was served by a waiter. It's not the most comfortable situation, but I bring a book with me; as long I have something to distract me, I'm fine.

If I had a burning desire to see a movie, I suppose I would go, but I’m not really a movie person. I don’t even subscribe to Netflix. Everyone is telling me I have to go see Barbie—some of my friends have seen it twice, especially those who have gone with their daughters. I’m curious, but not sufficiently motivated to go alone.

A study published in The Journal of Consumer Research stated that “consumers often feel inhibited from engaging in hedonic activities alone, especially when these activities are observable by others.” I don’t know if that fear of judgment is what prevents me; I realize that I will most likely never see the people who might be “observing” me in my alone state, so why should I care?

The same study states “consumers seem to overestimate how much their enjoyment of these activities depends on whether they are accompanied by a companion.” I think that is more the issue for me. For some activities, such as listening to favorite music at a concert, I imagine that there would be greater pleasure if it was a shared experience.

This upcoming weekend I’ll be attending an art show at the gigantic Javits Center in Manhattan center with a friend. Is this something I would have done alone? Probably not; she invited me and it wouldn’t have occurred to me to go alone. I don’t know about other places in the country, but in New York City many events are frequently attended by intrepid soloists. I’ve gone to numerous in-person literary readings because I love the intimate setting and appreciate hearing authors read their work. And I relish the opportunity to ask them questions as they are typically pretty open and often hang around after the formal event chatting with the audience.

Attending these literary events solo is also a great chance for me to meet other writers. Jesse Singal, who wrote about this study for New York magazine, quotes the authors, Ratner and Hamilton, as suggesting that, “whether or not concerns of being seen as a loner are well founded, solo-outing-phobia could contribute to a vicious cycle among those who really do lack sufficient companionship.”

It can be hard to muster up the courage to turn to a stranger who is sitting next to you and introduce yourself, but if you’re attending an event where there is a shared interest, it opens the door to conversation.

Another concert I would like to attend is Billy Joel at Madison Square Garden. He has been playing his residency there for years and has announced his last show will be in February 2024. I don’t want to miss out, as this would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, but I remain hesitant.

Will my fear of missing out be greater than my perceived discomfort? Stay tuned.

Thanks for reading.

Andrea