How We Can Communicate Across Differences and Build Bridges

It can be hard to have conversations with people with different and contrasting viewpoints.

Many of us don’t have all the tools we need to navigate life’s difficult conversations, myself included. Recently, I’ve been trying to learn more about ways to engage with others in conversations across differences. Here's some of what I’m learning.

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One point is crystal clear. Good communication involves actively listening, not just speaking. Rule of thumb: Listen more, speak less.

Psychologist Carl Rogers (1961), taught that real communication occurs when we attempt to listen with understanding rather than evaluating others from our own perspective. This involves “understanding with a person, not about him” (p. 332), trying to understand the other person’s frame of reference regarding what they are sharing. According to Rogers and Farson (1987), when we listen effectively, we convey to other people that we respect their thoughts, even if we don’t agree—that we think they are worth listening to, offering space so that they feel they can talk with us. People are more likely to comprehend that we are trying to understand them by observing how we behave, not simply by what we say.

Building relationships is key to communicating across differences. We humans are wired for social connection. Strengthening our social intelligence and interpersonal skills is integral to moving toward mutual understanding (Goleman, 2006; Mead, 1934).

It’s important to ask thoughtful questions with the intent to truly listen and understand, in other words, reframing our stance from convincing others about what we want toward a stance of wanting to learn more about them. We can ask about, listen to, and try to learn about their story.

For example, you might ask:

• What do you believe about this?
• What has influenced you to have these beliefs?
• How does this affect you?
• What do you still wonder about this?
• What would you like me to understand about this?
• What do you wish would be different?
• What, if anything, do you feel hopeful about?

It can help to notice when we are feeling reactive, to try not to take things personally, and to reduce harshly judging and resenting others. Since we’re fallible humans, rather than robots, this may not be an easy task. If we find that we’re feeling emotionally triggered by hurtful, disrespectful, aggressive, or otherwise difficult comments or situations, we may need to disconnect or walk away.

How might we learn to build bridges across conflict and contrasting viewpoints while recognizing our shared humanity? In addition to active listening, these strategies may help us buffer our reactions and communicate more effectively.

Responding from a stance of curiosity and avoiding making assumptions.

• That’s interesting. Could you clarify where you’re coming from?
• Could you tell me more about that?
• What do I need to understand about this?

Of course, responding with curiosity can be difficult sometimes.

Becoming more mindful. During difficult conversations, we may feel stirred up in any number of ways—vulnerable, misunderstood, angry, rejected, hurt, tender, infuriated, etc. Mindfulness offers practices to help us slow down and notice our experiences with curiosity, wisdom, and care (Shapiro, 2020; King, 2018; Siegel, 2010).

Renowned Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh (2010) reminds us that life is the here and now, and that mindfulness is as simple as noticing our breathing: I am breathing in, I am breathing out.

Here are examples of mindfulness strategies that may help you restore your sense of balance and calm, and allow you to refocus with less of a tendency to be swept away by judgments.

Mindfulness Practice 1

• Choose to pause and settle.
• Create a brief “intermission” by finding your breath wherever you notice it, or another anchor that feels comfortable to you, such as your feet touching the ground or the sensations in your hands.
• Kindly invite yourself to notice how you’re feeling and reacting. Are you feeling compassion and understanding? Or are you feeling stirred up, stressed, angry, emotionally overwhelmed, or afraid? Is your heart beating quickly? Do you feel heat rising in your body or mind? If you are able to, you might simply label the feeling: anger, fear, compassion, love, hurt, etc.
• If you need to, you might decide to remove yourself from the interaction.
• As you are ready, you might choose to continue the conversation in the moment with greater balance and calm. Or you might decide to walk away briefly to collect your thoughts or schedule another meeting at an alternate time/place.

Mindfulness Essential Reads

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Mindfulness Practice 2

This simple practice may be useful in the moment to help you calm and refocus:

• Pause.
• Notice your inhale.
• Notice your exhale.
• What’s the next right action?

Softening our hearts. Softening is about easing our judgments, creating more flexibility, and opening our hearts. Recognizing that we’re all part of humanity and live in the same world can invite an inner softening and greater clarity. As individuals, we cannot force others to change their minds, but by learning to accept conflict, differences, and our shared humanity, we can help build bridges toward clearer understandings and change.

Reflect and learn. After a conversation, it’s often helpful to take a few moments to reflect on your experience and how the conversation unfolded:

• What did you learn about yourself? What did you learn about the other person?
• What did you learn about the situation?
• What might you do, or how might you want to be present differently next time?

Continuing to courageously learn and develop. Consider talking with people you trust about ways to engage in difficult conversations. Read about related topics to learn more. Get involved in a study/discussion group.

Conclusion

To communicate across differences and begin to build bridges, we need to actively listen to each other. Communication can happen one conversation at a time and can offer opportunities for learning and development. We are each part of a larger whole, living in one world that we all inhabit and share. Recognizing the humanity in each of us is a precursor to communication, change, and repairing the brokenness in this world.

Each of us can make a difference.