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Key points
- What you say and how you say it makes a difference to yourself and to others.
- Learning to label your emotions can improve your ability to communicate your needs and wants more clearly and directly.
- Pausing before you react and using I-messages can also help prevent you from saying something you will later regret.
It’s easy to be careless about what we say and how we say it. Many of us have habitual “go-to” responses and expressions that abruptly flood our minds and bodies when we feel provoked. In these moments, we may react automatically, almost viscerally, in ways that we later question or regret. Does this ever happen to you?
When we feel hurt or angry, we may experience a brief moment of emotional relief when we speak negatively or strike out in some way. These responses can feel like quickly opening a release valve to reduce the pressure. For a moment, that explosion may feel really good. But then the pressing emotion passes on, and we may realize that what we said lacked thoughtfulness, kindness, or compassion, knowing that these words not only didn’t send positive energies into the world but also generated negativity in our own personal energetic space. With a bit of distance and reflection, we may realize that what began with a need to protect or defend ourselves concludes with knowing that it would have been better to express those emotions differently or not at all.
Words matter
Sometimes careless words slip out instantly and reflexively before we can pause and discern. Sometimes we choose the easiest words or the harshest, but if we paused for a moment to create a quick intermission between our experience and our response, we might make a different choice (Frankl, 1984; Goleman & Boyatzis, 2017). We might choose to express ourselves more thoughtfully, honestly, or kindly.
What about you? I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that some of you can relate to careless responses, especially when emotions are running fast and strong.
In her book Atlas of the Heart, University of Houston psychologist Brené Brown writes about how our untamed and shifting emotions can leave us feeling adrift, lost, and less connected to others (2021). Brown discusses 87 thoughts and emotions to help readers gain a greater understanding of their own nuanced experiences (2021). The premise is that as we improve our ability to label our emotions, we become more able to process and express them productively and in a way that is healing (Brown, 2021). These teachings offer a map to help us discover where we are, how we may have arrived there, and what our next steps might be.
Harvard Medical School psychologist Susan David (2016) suggests that learning to recognize and label our emotions with more precise vocabulary can transform our ability to communicate needs and wants. Naming our emotions can help us identify for ourselves what matters to us within our own experience. This capacity to express ourselves from the inside out can support our own psychological well-being and also help us reach out for the support we desire—or long for—from others (David, 2016; Goleman, 1996; 2017)
How to communicate more effectively:
There are no simple solutions to the complexities of managing your emotions and speaking with greater care. Yet some communication strategies can help you share messages with greater accuracy and effectiveness while also expressing your thoughts, needs, and desires clearly, directly, and honestly. One well-known skill is the “I-message,” which can help you express yourself using a soft voice beginning with the word “I” (Darrington & Bower, 2012; McKay, 2009).
I feel ___________ (share your thought or feeling: angry, worried, concerned).
Because ___________ (name the specific reason you feel this way. Offer an example, if possible).
I want ___________ (suggest what you think might help or resolve the situation).
For example:
- I feel angry when you don’t clean up after yourself when you make dinner. I would like you to wash your dishes and wipe the table.
- I think it’s important for all members of our team to get to morning meetings on time. I’m asking you to make timely attendance a priority in your scheduling.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only. No content is a substitute for consulting with a qualified mental health or health care professional.
©2022 Ilene Berns-Zare, LLC, All Rights Reserved
This article was previously published here.
References
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the heart. Mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. New York, NY: Random House.
Darrington, J. & Brower, N. (2012). Effective communication skills: "I" messages and beyond. All Current Publications. Paper 791. https://digitalcommons.usu.edu/extension_curall/791
David, S. (2016). Emotional agility: Get unstuck to embrace challenges and thrive in work and life. New York, NY: Avery.
Goleman, D. (1996). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. New York, NY: Bloomsbury Publishing.
Goleman, D., & Boyatzis, R. (2017). Emotional intelligence has 12 elements. Which do you need to work on? Harvard Business Review, 84(2), 1-5. https://www.proveritas.com.au/downloads/Emotional-Intelligence-12-Elements.PDF
McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The communication skills book. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
Shapiro, S. (2020). Good morning, I love you: Mindfulness and self-compassion practices to rewire your brain for calm, clarity, and joy. Boulder, CO: Sounds True.
