Tired of Feeling Like Roomates? Here's How to Reconnect

Erica and Carlos say they rarely argue and get along “okay.” But there’s little affection; they haven’t had sex in years, and their polite conversations revolve around everyday logistics—essentially, they’re roommates living parallel lives.

Unfortunately, Erica and Carlos are not alone. Like them, I see many couples who say the same—no arguments, little emotional or physical intimacy—on a good day, the relationship’s a 4.5 out of 10. Here are the most common causes of this disconnection:

Avoiding conflict

Couples don’t need to get into full-blown arguments, but they do need to be able to express annoyances and differences of opinion. But many roommate couples are often conflict-avoidant—biting their tongues to prevent stirring any strong emotions.

Not solving problems

The end result for such couples is that they sweep problems under the rug rather than solve them. But there is another set of couples who argue yet fail to solve problems. They may make up after a blow-up but don’t circle back to the issue for fear of starting another argument.

For both couples, their unsolved problems over time act like a wedge pushing them apart. Not only are they a source of continually smoldering resentment, but they pile up, making the list of topics that are safe to discuss dwindle to work or child chat and logistics.

Lack of common interests

While unsolved problems and emotional distance cause couples to increasingly find less in common, another scenario is more about a shift in life events: the couple who was driven by the oxytocin rush of new relationships that have now naturally settled; the empty-nesters or retired couple who were work or child-focused for so many years is now less preoccupied with work and sports activities. The glue that held them together is no longer there.

The challenge is finding a connection when our interests, priorities, and personal needs have changed.

How to Reconnect: Fixing problems and beyond

#1: Tackle problems. Yes, it's easier said than done, but this doesn’t mean that you both need to plow through all the hurts and wounds of the past. Instead, it means that you need to stop sweeping current problems under the rug so they don’t accumulate, and by doing this, you undoubtedly also heal past resentments.

It’s okay to take baby steps: Even if it takes you a few days to get up the courage to speak up, that’s fine; just don’t continue to bite your tongue. If you’re too shy to have a face-to-face conversation, email and then follow up in person.

#2: Have more intimate conversations. Because you’re trying to break old patterns, it’s time to deliberately stop talking about pick-up times and office gossip. Challenge yourself into new territory—hopes for the future, details of the day, what you think about when you wake up at 3 a.m.

#3: Make the relationship a priority. Erica and Carlos haven’t had a date night in years. Now is a good time to have one.

#4: Explore common interests. You can’t fill in the blanks in your lives by sitting on the couch and thinking about them. Instead, you’ll discover mutual interests by road-testing them: Sign up for tango lessons or volunteer together at a food bank or animal shelter; explore a different church or country that gives you new perspectives and creates positive shared memories.

#5: Change the emotional climate. Because it’s ultimately the relationship climate you want to change rather than each other, all the above helps do that. But you can step it up by taking even more deliberate actions—increasing compliments and being more physically affectionate.

That doesn’t mean that you have to jump into sex. If you haven’t been sexual for a while, it’s easy to feel performance pressure that can kill the experience in a variety of ways. Instead, it’s better to start slow—the pat on the back, the hug, the snuggling on the couch or in bed—to desensitize simple body contact without stirring anxiety. As you emotionally move forward, behaviorally move forward.

While challenging, changing the connection and climate isn’t rocket science: It’s about doing what you haven’t been doing, understandably, for many good reasons. The keys are acknowledging the elephant in the room—your disconnection—and then working together to break these old patterns by stepping outside your comfort zones.

If not now, when?