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There’s a built-in challenge in establishing your relationship and getting the help you want from a new therapist. While you’ve probably had numerous interactions with medical doctors, if you’re new to therapy, talking with a therapist can be an all-new territory. If you’ve been in therapy before, you undoubtedly walked away with a good or poor experience you hope to recreate or change. Either way, like in all relationships, the key is honest, open communication. Here are 4 tips to help you speak up and get what you want:
#1: Be clear about the problems you need help with
You’ve just had an unexpected breakup and are struggling with grief; your child is defiant at home; you constantly are worrying and having panic attacks.
The clearer you are, the better. Saying “you’re unhappy” is like telling your doctor you don’t feel well. Being specific about your feelings, thoughts, or problems helps your therapist know what to zero in on, making therapy more efficient.
#2: Be clear about your expectations
This is where any past therapy experience comes into play. Perhaps your past treatment was helpful because the therapist provided clear advice or skill training, or exploring your past helped you put old wounds to rest, or, no, it wasn’t beneficial for the same reasons. And if you’ve never been in therapy, you undoubtedly still have some expectations about what you hope to get out of your session based on movies and TV, stories from friends, or your doctor visits.
Think about it and let the therapist know what you have in mind—you want to see someone weekly to support you in getting through that breakup; you want specific tools for managing your child or avoiding panic attacks. Letting your therapist know what you expect to focus on and get out of your sessions helps them decide whether their style and focus and your needs are a good fit.
#3: Don’t be afraid to ask about experience, cost, and timeframes
If you’re having car trouble you likely don’t pull into any shop or gas station, leave your car and ask them to fix it. You want to know if they work on your type of car and can do the repair you need—an oil change vs. a transmission overhaul—and have some idea of cost and timeframes.
Searching for therapy isn’t much different. Most therapists have a website or a therapist directory that gives you the basics. But there are plenty of therapy websites whose priority seems to be offering a “caring and supportive environment.” While this is undoubtedly important to help reduce your anxiety and feel safe, this is like a mechanic telling you, “I can fix cars.” Speak up and find out if your therapist has experience dealing with your pressing problems—the breakup, your child, your anxiety. You can often do this before the first meeting: Call or email them or check out reviews online to see if they have what you need.
#4: See yourself as a customer and give feedback
Surprisingly, perhaps, this is the biggest challenge for some. The other tips are about what to talk about, but this is about how to see yourself, where your personality, coping skills, and even pressing problems fold into the therapeutic relationship. If, for example, you are afraid of conflict and not getting others upset, the thought of complaining about not getting the type of therapy you hoped for becomes a challenge. Or, if you tend to cut and run and ghost people when you feel angry or hurt, the challenge is not to do the same here.
While most therapists are sensitive to these issues and will try to help you not repeat old dysfunctional patterns, you also want to work your side of the equation. Rather than seeing yourself as a passive passenger on the train driven by the therapist, take the risk of being the active consumer that you are. So, if you’re confused by something your therapist said last time, are not getting the practical advice you’re looking for, or want more support through texts or emails, say so rather than worrying that you are being too demanding or upsetting the therapist. If you feel the urge to drop out, try going against your grain and speak up instead. Not only may you find that repairs can be made, but you can also have the positive experience of discovering that what you always assume will happen doesn’t.
Most of all, don’t go along and hope it improves. Despite their professional sensitivity, your therapist can’t read your mind, and as service providers, they want to know what you need. A therapy relationship can hopefully be an ideal healing relationship where you can be your authentic self and often, unlike in your past, can voice what you need.
