Frustrated With Your Parents? How to Upgrade the Relationship

Source: Engin Akyurt/Pixabay

Emily has just moved into a new apartment and invited her mother to help her set it up. Not only does her mother come, but she arrives with almost a moving van's worth of stuff—curtains and pieces of furniture, and with them, too many “great” ideas. Emily feels overwhelmed and suffocated.

Henry has learned to just “get through” those holiday dinners. It feels like a command performance, and the conversation is superficial and phony. He survives by smiling, saying everything is going well, and drinking heavily.

Tolu has always had a difficult relationship with her father. He’s critical, always giving advice, seems frustrated or disappointed with her, and never acknowledges her accomplishments.

While some adult children continue to have close and supportive relationships with their parents, for many others, adult child-parent relationships can be challenging, and paradoxically even more so when the "child" is independent and out of the house. How do folks like Emily, Henry, and Tolu react to their parents? Here are the most common ways:

Get snappy, then regret it.

Emily’s mom’s taking over makes her irritable; she gets snappy about the pictures and the curtains, but then she feels bad, apologizes, and backs off.

Internalize.

This is Henry—the holiday dinner is only a few hours; he can get through it, bite his tongue, find a reason to go home early, and brace himself for the next one.

Periodically rant.

Under the perfect storm conditions—with alcohol or drugs or simply a combination of stress and fed-upness—Tolu goes into a rant mode, sending a flurry of angry texts to her father and even her mother for not supporting her more. What happens next is what happens next—parents apologize or say they don’t know what you’re talking about or fire back with their own complaints.

Pull away.

You keep your parents at arm’s distance, making chatty but surface-level phone calls, checking in only monthly because “I’m just so busy—I’m sorry.” For others, the pulling away is a cutoff—feeling they’re never going to change, deciding you’re tired of dealing with them, letting them know you don’t want contact, and stopping communication.

Underlying problems.

These various feelings and reactions are the by-products of the underlying problems. Sometimes, it’s all about you: The snappiness or rant is less about them and more about your mood and the issues you’re struggling with; you’re using your parents like you did as a child or teen—a safe person to dump life’s frustration upon.

But more often, your reactions are driven by cracks in the foundation of the relationship. Most commonly, it’s about old wounds from the past that now too easily trigger you—your dad’s criticism, your mom’s micromanaging. You look back and see a long-standing pattern; you have had other relationships that gave you a taste of what a more adult relationship can be.

But the core driver is differentiation: You’re not the child or teen you used to be, and you feel frustrated that your parents are still seeing you through an old lens rather than as the adult you are. It's time to upgrade the relationship. Here’s how:

Sort out your drivers.

Step back and sort out what’s bothering you most—what and why now? Emily is proud of having her apartment and wants to make it her own without input from her mom. Henry is upset about the family holidays because no one asks how he is doing more deeply and sincerely. Tolu has received positive feedback for her accomplishments from others and sees her father as her last holdout.

Try assuming your parents have good intentions.

There’s your world and your parents’ world. What I hear most from parents is that they are doing their best; yes, they’ve probably made mistakes in the past, but isn’t it time to move on? They feel their children are only remembering the bad and not the good, don’t appreciate their efforts, or don’t understand how difficult it can be at times to do your best. Are there uncaring parents out there? Sure, but unless your parents are sociopathic or struggling with a major mental health issue, it helps to reinterpret their actions with good intentions rather than clinging to your own story of micromanaging or not caring. It doesn’t excuse their behaviors or deny your reality, but it may help you feel less angry.

Relationships Essential Reads

What Does Money Mean to Your Relationship?

Does Power Corrupt the Heart?

Regulate your own emotions.

When conversations become emotional, everyone’s emotional brains take over, and their rational brain goes offline; it’s difficult for the other person to process what you are saying. Regulating your emotions is not about biting your tongue or sweeping problems under the rug but working your side of the equation and being emotionally responsible.

Let them know what you need now.

Rather than just telling them what you don’t want them to do, tell them what they can do—give them a new job and role. Emily thanks her mother for her help but also lets her mother know she felt overwhelmed and suggests better ways she can be helpful in the future. Henry sends an email thanking his parents for the dinner but also says that these holidays are difficult because there’s no opportunity for more intimate conversations. Tolu confronts her dad about his criticism and acknowledges that he wants the best for her, but says she needs more support and spells out what that means.

Upgrading your relationship with your parents is about helping them stop going on autopilot, see you for the adult you are, and know new ways to care for and support you. The keys are being clear, concrete, and proactive.