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Relationships
Is Your Relationship Out of Balance? How to Get It Right
An unbalanced relationship leads to resentments. The key is working as a team.
Posted March 29, 2024 Reviewed by Tyler Woods
Key points
- Imbalance in a relationship, whether in terms of workload, appreciation, or support creates resentments.
- The keys are tackling imbalance problems head on, working out win-win compromises.
- The goal is work together as a team, with each stepping up and supporting each other's needs and dreams.
Kate feels like she’s constantly doing the heavy lifting regarding chores and child care, while Jake feels the same—managing the finances or handling big house projects. What they have in common is not feeling appreciated—both feeling that they are being taken for granted or, worse, being criticized at every turn for what they do.
Balance is an essential element of any intimate relationship. Yes, you each have your own style, pet peeves, and ways of showing caring that, on a bad day, can come to the fore. But overall, you both need to feel that everyday life is balanced. What does this mean? Here are some of the common elements:
Unbalanced workload.
If Kate or Jake sit on the couch while the other is getting kids to bed or cleaning the bathroom, things are out of balance. Kate or Jake is going to feel resentful fast.
Unbalanced in terms of appreciation.
Jake spent Saturday cleaning up the basement while Kate worked outside cleaning up the yard. Both feel like they worked hard but didn’t get the appreciation they expected. In each’s mind, while the work may be balanced, like most of us, there is still a need for recognition and thanks. For them, there’s not enough gratitude going around.
Unbalanced in terms of safety and listening.
When Kate tries to simply vent about her day, she feels that either Jake goes silent and seems like he’s not really listening, or he interrupts, offering solutions to problems she feels she can manage on her own. On Jake’s side, he admits that sometimes he’s afraid to bring up what’s bothering him because he’s worried that Kate will get angry or critical.
While these patterns are common, there is another where one partner tends to simply be more talkative than the other. The talkative partner feels like often there’s a lack of intimacy—they never really know what the other is thinking and feeling—while the quieter partner feels like the other is always talking about them or is feeling peppered with too many questions and emotional drama about how they feel and think.
Meeting in the middle, working together as a team.
Unbalanced, unchecked relationships can accumulate resentments, leading to periodic explosions or increasing distance and disconnection. The key is meeting in the middle and working as a team. Easier said than done: What does that mean?
Attitude: I’ve got your back. One healthy way of looking at relationships is the notion that we are working together to help each of us create a happy life. This translates into my supporting your dreams, and you supporting mine. When I’m struggling, you step up and help me. It means that you, your happiness, and our relationship stay on the front burner of priorities in our lives.
Attack and solve the imbalance problem. If you feel you are doing the heavy lifting regarding responsibilities, can you find a time to discuss it? What would, in a concrete way, make a difference? This is not the time to argue about whose reality is right—who works harder or gets into the weeds of who did what—but about getting larger issues on the table and creating win-win compromises.
Step up, step down. The key to problems around talking and listening is often about one person needing to step up and the other step down. Here, Jake steps up and tries to be more open, even though he feels anxious. Aware that he is gun-shy, Kate bites her tongue and does her best to remain calm when Jake does open up. Similarly, Jake needs to step down by listening more actively or not trying to solve Kate’s problem but just letting her vent.
Increase appreciation. Because we are automatically wired for the negative, we have to work hard to override it. The research shows that you need to have a four- or five-to-one ratio of positive to negative comments for the other person to feel that you’re being positive. Anything less feels negative. Here, both Jake and Kate let the other know they appreciate the other’s efforts, even the smallest details—“Thanks for bringing me my coffee.”
Check-in. A key part of feeling like a team is getting out of your head and checking in with your partner. Jake worries that Kate is more irritable lately, or Kate worries that Jake is more withdrawn, or that they both are aware that they haven’t had sex in a while. Talk about the elephant in the room when problems are on the fringe or even if things are seemingly going okay.
Ask: “Are you doing okay?” and then stop what you’re doing and sincerely listen. This builds into your relationship both the message that I want to know how you are and that I’ve got your back.
Work together to solve problems. If you can’t solve problems—you sweep them under the rug—or can’t solve them together and develop a my-way-or-the-highway approach—you haven’t created balance.
Imbalance results from underlying problems you need to address—whether problems to solve, work to equalize, appreciation to increase, or simply support to magnify. The key is working together as equals, saying what you need and want, raising problems, and proposing solutions.
References
Taibbi, R. (2017). Doing couple therapy, 2nd. ed. New York: Guilford.
