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Motivation
Give Up Too Easily? How to Persevere
Success in reaching goals is a matter of having clear expectations and supports.
Posted November 9, 2019 Reviewed by Matt Huston
Denice was determined to get back in shape and back to the gym. And as usual for her, she started out strong, going five days in a row the first week, but then missed a day the next week because of a work conflict, then two days the following week because she didn’t feel well. By the end of four weeks, she had quit entirely.
While for Denice, it’s about going to the gym, for Tom, it could be following through on his commitment to work on a church committee or stick to a new diet. Like many things, quitting isn’t as much a problem as an outcome of other problems. Some of these problems are present at the start, while others show up later, undermining success.
Here are some of the common underlying problems and their antidotes:
1. Unreasonable expectations
Looking back on it, Denice realizes that going to the gym five days a week is an unrealistic goal given her work schedule. Tom finds out after the fact that the committee work takes more hours than he expected, or that the diet he started was too impractical for his lifestyle. Having unreasonable or unclear expectations is a front-end problem that you need to nail down before you start out.
Antidote:
Before starting, be honest with yourself about what you can and cannot do; get the information you need to make a solid decision.
2. All-or-nothing thinking
This is tied to expectations. You tend to think and measure success in rigid, black-and-white, all-or-nothing terms: Denice has to go the gym five days a week or not at all; ditto for Tom and his diet.
Antidote:
Build reasonable flexibility into your plan.
3. Being emotionally driven
The larger problem for Denice may be that she tends to be emotionally driven: If she feels like doing something, she does it, but if she gets bored, or if it gets too hard, or she simply doesn’t feel like it, she doesn’t. Those who tend to be anxious, particularly those who have ADHD, tend to be prone to this way of thinking and living.
Antidote:
The key is seeing this as a separate, larger problem and then actively building up your willpower and discipline—actively experimenting with overriding your emotions and acting in spite of how you feel.
4. Confusing shoulds and wants
Tom “should” step up and help support his church, but on a gut level, he has no interest in the committee’s work. Denice says she should go to the gym, but basically hates working out in a gym environment.
Antidote:
Self-honesty and not confusing means with ends. It’s difficult to stay motivated when you’re essentially bullying yourself into doing something you don’t want to do. Tom can find another way to serve the church if that is part of his values; Denice can find another venue, like joining a yoga class or running with a friend, to reach the same goal.
5. Can't say no
Tom knows he really doesn’t want to be on the committee, but has a hard time with conflict and saying no to the others. He accommodates at the time, but then his lack of desire and resentment kick in, causing him to make up excuses to quit.
Antidote:
Like being emotionally driven, this, too, is usually a larger problem that needs to be tackled directly. Tom needs to practice being assertive, saying no, and learning to tolerate possible negative reactions better. He can start anywhere, take baby steps as long as he steps outside his comfort zone and takes risks.
6. Not enough rewards and support
As research shows and experience validates, it’s easy to be motivated at the start of a new project, but the going gets tough once the newness wears off or when expectations aren’t being met, and the grind or the boredom set in.
Antidote:
This is generally the nature of starting out. You need to anticipate this and build in rewards and support all along the way. Here Denice takes herself out for breakfast after she goes to the gym or finds a friend to work out with at the gym for mutual encouragement. After a church committee meeting, Tom suggests they all go out for dinner, or sets a reachable weight goal and rewards himself by buying some new clothes.
If you have a pattern of quitting, it’s easy to eventually cast yourself into the role of a quitter and essentially give up trying something new. Or you may believe that the solution lies in just being ever more determined, powering through this time. Instead, look back at your experiences and patterns to discover what, where, and how you get derailed.
Once you know the problems under the problem, you can cut them off at the start, and by building in supports and rewards along the way, you'll be able to reach your goals.
