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Key points
- Solving hard problems requires finding the underlying problems, controlling what you can, and being proactive.
- Finding the underlying problem means seeing the current problem as an outcome or bad solution.
- Controlling what you can helps you not feel discouraged and enables you to take productive action.
Carly is struggling with her job—feeling micro-managed by her supervisor, getting assignments that she feels overwhelmed by and not capable of handling, working overtime every week for the last three months, and feeling exhausted. Still, she's afraid to speak up for fear of sounding whiny.
Jack and Kim have been together for two years. While they are doing okay overall, what drives him crazy is Kim not following through on things—not paying bills she says she is going to pay, not following up with her mother about family events. Like Carly, Jack tries not to say anything but he periodically blows up.
We all periodically have problems that we just can’t seem to resolve. They may be relationship issues, work issues, health issues, or mental health issues. We get frustrated, can’t find a clear path forward, and keep ramming our heads against the same wall. We feel stuck, trapped.
It's time to get unstuck. Here are 3 approaches to help you move forward:
1. Find the problem under the problem
What we usually think of as problems are not actually the problems but outcomes or bad solutions to other problems beneath. Carly’s problems are a couple—the controlling boss and feeling overwhelmed by assignments—and she needs to look at each one separately. Her boss’ micromanagement, like most control, is usually her boss’ solution to the anxiety her boss feels.
As a starting point, it may help Carly to think about her boss’ behavior as her way of managing her anxiety rather than getting emotionally tangled in feeling controlled. If her boss is anxious, Carly can help reduce it by proactively letting her boss know what she is doing and reassuring her that she is on top of things before her boss' anxiety gets too high and shifts into her default mode.
But Carly also needs to tackle her other problem—not having the skills she needs to do her job efficiently. Here the underlying problem is the lack of training. She may want to email or talk directly with her boss about her need for training or talk with HR about training options.
Jack’s job is a bit easier. While Carly is unlikely to question her supervisor about whether or not her supervisor is anxious, Jack can have a conversation with Kim about her not following through in order to uncover the problem under the problem. He may discover that Kim, like Carly, is feeling overwhelmed by work stress and so gets scattered, and items like checking in with her mother or even paying the bills get pushed to the bottom of her to-do pile. Or it may be that Kim admits that really dislikes being responsible for the bill-paying and that it would be better for Jack to take it over.
The underlying problems that usually drive the surface problems are either emotions—anxiety, dislike, anger—or a lack of skills or information. Sorting out which may be the most likely culprit is a good starting point for getting unstuck.
2. Change your approach
This is what Carly is doing by being proactive with her supervisor—giving her information rather than waiting for her supervisor to come to her. This is what Jack is doing when he has a clear and calm conversation with Kim about why she is having a difficult time following through, rather than holding in his resentment and periodically blowing up.
Because relationships are dynamic and are a product of each person reacting to the other, it is often the pattern itself that is fueling the problem. Carly’s walking on eggshells and holding back can understandably fuel her boss’ anxiety and micromanaging. Similarly, Jack’s holding in and then blowing up could fuel Kim’s not realizing how important this is to Jack or her dismissing his concerns when he blows up because the emotion erases the underlying message.
By approaching the problem in a different way, and most often by doing the opposite of what you are doing, you change this yin-yang dynamic, prompting the other person to respond differently as well. If Carly, for example, sends an email to her boss and says that she is aware of how important productivity is to the company and in that spirit, she feels some additional training would help increase her productivity, this sidesteps her worry that she is whining and her boss is likely to appreciate such feedback and view her as a conscious worker. Similarly, by Jack having that calm and clear conversation about his frustration, Kim is likely to better understand his concerns and will probably appreciate his speaking up and being honest, which in turn may prompt her to be more reliable.
Often, our overall approach to problems is fairly consistent—Carly all too easily falls into being tentative and reactive, walking on eggshells; Jack all too easily holds resentments in and then blows up. By experimenting with changing your approach overall—being more proactive and assertive—you become more flexible, have multiple ways of attacking problems, and become less anxious and more creative.
3. Control what you can control
This is about not feeling trapped by a problem. What can Carly control? Her attitude towards her boss, her job, her anxiety, her behavioral approach to her boss, her exploration of opportunities for training, her ability to quit her job, and her view of how important her job is are the larger landscape of her life.
What she can’t control? Probably her supervisor’s personality and style, though she may be able to influence it. She can’t control the company and how they do business.
What can Jack control? Himself. He doesn’t have to feel trapped or feel like a martyr or victim. He can choose to follow up on the bills or take them over, or call Kim’s mom and find out what he needs to know. And like Carly, he can control his anxiety. The key here is his adopting the attitude that he is doing this because he is trying to fix what is his problem, namely, his anxiety, rather than saying to himself that he is forced to do this because Kim is incompetent or unreliable.
What can’t he control? Like Carly, he can’t control the other, Kim, though he may be able to influence her. Finally, like Carly, he is not trapped; his ultimate solution is knowing that he can leave the relationship.
Obviously, all these approaches overlap with each other, and all three can be put to use at the same time. The theme, though, is clear—to stop spinning your wheels, ramming your head into the same emotional wall, continuing to do what you do—but instead doing something different—by attitude, by behavior, by perspective.
Time to get unstuck?
References
Taibbi, R. (2017). Boot camp therapy: Action-oriented approaches to anxiety, anger, & depression. New York: Norton.
