The 4 Main Reasons Why Partners Cheat

Most people in relationships expect their relationship to be exclusive—no other partners. They don’t necessarily expect the relationship to last forever, but, while it’s underway, most want their partners to be romantically and sexually “faithful.”

Yet rates of infidelity are high—for both men and women.

We usually find (no matter how and who we survey) that about one-third of men and one-quarter of women will admit to infidelity—connecting emotionally, romantically, and/or online to someone other than their partner and in a way that likely breaches the understanding that they will be with each other.

While it’s true that most partners are not likely to have had a very frank discussion about what they consider to be infidelity and the boundaries that they want in place, there is a lot of overlap in our understanding of what constitutes cheating. In many ways, we know it when we see it.

Who Is Prone to Cheating?

Some people are definitely more prone to cheating on a partner, and, certainly, if you and your partner started a relationship together before you both were free from prior relationships (“mate poaching”), there’s a greater chance that one partner will cheat in the new relationship.

Cheating is habitual. Stray once, and it's easier to stray again. Choose someone who has strayed in past relationships, then you have to understand that they might stray again. Not always, but...

There are also traits, such as narcissism and low agreeableness, and attitudes, such as sociosexuality (interest and willingness to have multiple partners), that predict propensity to cheat. Those factors seem pretty obvious.

However, cheating is so widespread that a handful of personality traits or attitude profiles are not going to effectively capture why people cheat.

The 4 Most Common Reasons for Cheating

There have been a number of studies lately asking people about their motivations for recent acts of infidelity. There are four main reasons that reliably show up:

1. Sexual dissatisfaction (the person wanted more frequent sex or more variety—something different).
2. Emotional dissatisfaction (loss of positive feeling for their primary partner; drawn toward another because they developed trust and self-disclosed private information).
3. Neglect (feeling rejected or overlooked by primary partner).
4. Anger (desire to harm or punish partner for mistreatment).

Opportunity Knocks!

Others have also emphasized the importance of opportunity. Opportunity is necessary but not sufficient. In fact, most people effectively resist the appeal of an attractive other. However, if there is no attractive-other person around (or available online), then infidelity of course can’t happen. We should not underestimate the power of opportunity, especially in situations in which we feel less responsible or unlikely to be held accountable. Being intoxicated, at a wild party, or far away from home (where you are feeling anonymous) can lead to infidelity.

Our lives are busy, distracting, and full of attractive people.

Source: Toa Heftiba/Unsplash

"Our Relationship Was Great Until X Came Along"

It’s important to understand that even people in satisfying relationships can engage in infidelity. We are complex people, and the draw of an attractive person showing interest in us is a powerful thing. No single relationship can address all the needs of a given individual.

And novelty?! Even if it's not as good as what we have "at home," new interactions without the baggage of history and the familiar are often incredibly difficult to resist.

In fact, if you are trying to resist engaging in infidelity, recognize that flirting and especially reciprocated attraction can be slippery slopes. Back away! See my other posts about tips for staying faithful. It defies our sentimental views of romance and love—that we will naturally, all the time, just have eyes for our beloved. Nope. Monogamy often takes considerable amounts of conscientious effort—the will to resist something or someone who draws us toward them, especially at times when our relationship is becoming a bit of a slog.

Infidelity Essential Reads

When Women Cheat, It's Usually for These 10 Reasons

Why Many Cheaters Don't Feel So Bad About It

We also know that people are great at justifying or minimizing acts of infidelity—where they are concerned. (We are far less forgiving of a partner—often completely unforgiving). But it is incredibly difficult for most people to maintain a relationship that is 100-percent exclusive, with never a moment of exchange, spark, or connection with an attractive other—especially given how much time we spend at work or away from our partner.

Take-Home Tips

1. If exclusivity is important to you, talk to your partner about what exactly that means. (Any flirting allowed? Contact with past partners? Going to lunch alone with an attractive friend?)
2. If you are prone to straying and you know your partner would be wildly unhappy about that, figure out your triggers. (Is it someone telling you that you’re attractive? The lure of the chase? Ensuring that a certain ex still isn't over you? Working late and meeting goals with someone who makes you feel good when your esteem is battered?)
3. Understand that we hold different standards for ourselves (“It didn’t mean anything”) than for our partners (“If they cheat, that’s it; we’re over”). Can your esteem handle the idea that your partner will find other people attractive?
4. Can you negotiate with your partner a reasonable agreement should you or they slip? Research is clear that those in consensual nonmonogamous relationships tend to have stronger relationships than those who insist on 100-percent exclusivity. Nonmonogamy does not mean "full-on sexual or love relationships."

Most of us will have more than one intimate, committed, long-term relationship in our lifetime. We may want that romantic ideal of "the one"—a soulmate who is with us throughout life—but that rarely happens. And some scrutiny of romantic ideals that might make it difficult to navigate the tricky points in any given relationship is essential. Relationships take work, people!

More talk, some flexibility, better outcomes.

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