The Art of Being Vulnerable

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Social psychologist Eli Finkel asks in his book The All or Nothing Marriage, “…given that deep intimacy requires some level of tradeoff between relationship enhancement and self-protection, which risk are you more willing to take: Are you more willing to let yourself be highly vulnerable in pursuit of deep intimacy, or are you more willing to sacrifice some level of intimacy to avoid being highly vulnerable?”

The question demonstrates the importance of vulnerability in achieving a deep level of intimacy with your partner.

Being vulnerable is not easy and takes time, as it requires us to let our walls down and let someone see our true selves. It usually involves a great deal of self-disclosure, in which we share our deepest wants, fears, needs, and desires. Below are some tips detailing how you can become more vulnerable with your partner.

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Enhance Your Self-Awareness

Before being vulnerable with anyone else, it is important to become vulnerable with yourself first. Increase your level of self-awareness, or the knowledge you have of yourself (thoughts, beliefs, values, etc.). You may be accessing some areas of your life that have been walled off for quite some time, so it is important to be patient, compassionate, and accepting of yourself.

Not only will you notice changes in your thinking and awareness but physiological changes as well. Putting yourself out there can be uncomfortable at first, so your body may respond in a way akin to experiencing anxiety. Get comfortable sitting with all the emotions and sensations associated with increased vulnerability. The anxiety associated with it is likely to subside over time as a result of increased exposure.

Gradually Push Just Beyond Your Comfort Zone

Push yourself out of your comfort zone, slowly and a little bit at a time. Gradually share more with your partner, and let them in. Have the discussion about your past relationships; open up about the influence of your family on your life; share your fears; discuss your goals for the future.

If you are uncomfortable with a specific topic let your partner know so that they can be mindful of what you are experiencing. Each time you venture beyond what feels safe and familiar, you expand your zone of comfort and become more vulnerable and open.

Be Fully Present

Avoid worrying about the “what ifs” (“What if they think this is silly?” “What if they judge me?”.). Thinking about the future and making assumptions may give you pause when sharing. Instead, be present and focus on the immediate interaction with your partner. Share your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, and notice the responsiveness, attentiveness, and care with which your partner receives what you have expressed. In return, practice active listening and maintain eye contact with your partner as they share what is important to them.

Vulnerability is not easy, but by practicing and normalizing our ability to share with our partner, we can strengthen our relationship.