Breaking Down Our Messages

Source: Courtesy of Pexels, Keira Burton

The content of the messages we send to others is only part of what we actually communicate. For example, a person who says, “I really missed you” while rolling their eyes likely does not mean it. Instead, the eye roll may indicate sarcasm.

A double bind, a term originally coined by Gregory Bateson and colleagues (1956), describes a situation in which a person receives conflicting messages. They find themselves in a no-win scenario as a result of the contradictory demands. A double bind can lead to anxiety and a breakdown in communication as either option that the person selects is not ideal.

Take for example hypothetical couple Jenna and David. Jenna complains to David, “You never show me any affection,” but then she gets extremely tense when David approaches to hug her. In this case, Jenna is communicating that she both wants affection and doesn’t want affection (as displayed by her body language). David is stuck in a double bind.

So what can be done?

Be Aware of Your Body Language

It is important to examine the message(s) that you are sending to others. For example, sitting slumped in a chair or staring at your phone while having a conversation with your partner communicates disinterest. There may be times when our body language doesn’t quite seem to align with what we are saying. However, this mismatch isn’t always problematic. For example, we may be fighting with our partners, while touching them on the shoulder. In this case, the touch may be intentionally signaling I’m mad right now and frustrated about this topic, but also really care about you.

If Jenna is reflecting on what her body language is communicating to David, she can examine why the mixed messages are being sent. Maybe they are purposeful. She may be mad that he hasn’t been showing affection to her, so while craving connection, she is also wanting to push him away. If she becomes aware of this, she can directly address these mixed emotions, and they can address the situation together. Or, the mismatch may be unintentional and not related to David at all. This would also be important to communicate so that he doesn’t take her body language as a signal that she doesn’t want to be near him.

Remember that You’re Always Communicating

Everything communicates something. Silence can be immensely powerful, so even when you think you’re not saying anything, you are sending a message. Keeping this in mind is helpful so that you are aware of the multiple modes of communication you are engaged in. Be mindful of your words and actions.