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Relationships
Tips on How to Become More Secure in Romantic Relationships
A review of research on stability and change in attachment security.
Updated August 30, 2024 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- Attachment security means having confidence in an attachment figure’s availability and responsiveness.
- Anxious and avoidant orientations are two dimensions of insecure attachment.
- Research suggests there are a variety of ways insecurely attached romantic partners can become more secure.
Feeling secure in intimate relationships (e.g., between child and parent or husband and wife) is associated with many positive personal and relational outcomes, including happiness, life satisfaction, and resilience.
People who feel insecure, in contrast, often lack the energy, interest, or means to perform behaviors that will, in the long run, enhance resilience. These include behaviors such as exploring the environment, pursuing interests and hobbies, learning new skills, spending time with friends, caring for someone’s needs, and generally enjoying life.
An important question, then, is this: Can insecure people ever attain secure attachment? If so, how?
To answer these questions, I discuss findings from a 2024 paper by Chopik and colleagues, published recently in Social and Personality Psychology Compass.
Before discussing the findings, we need to be clear on what is meant by attachment orientation.
Attachment style or orientation refers to the pattern of beliefs, feelings, expectations, and behaviors that reflect how secure or insecure a person feels in their close relationships. These patterns usually develop in childhood, in the context of early relationships with the primary caregiver (e.g., mother, father, grandparent, guardian).
Attachment security means viewing one’s parent or romantic partner as a secure base from which to explore the world and, in times of need, as a safe haven to turn to for love and support.
The opposite is known as attachment insecurity and has two dimensions (attachment anxiety and avoidance), which are described below. Note that an individual can be high or low on one or both dimensions.
Attachment anxiety and avoidance in romantic relationships
Attachment anxiety is characterized by negative views of oneself (e.g., believing oneself vulnerable and unable to cope with threats) and chronic doubts about a romantic partner’s availability and responsiveness in times of need.
Anxiously attached individuals use strategies that hyperactivate their attachment system.
In other words, they are constantly on the lookout for threats to the relationship. These threats include disapproval, loss of interest, rejection, neglect, betrayal, and abandonment.
To manage these threats, anxiously attached individuals often engage in clinging, demanding, or controlling behavior.
The other dimension of insecurity is called attachment avoidance and is characterized by negative views of other people (e.g., as not trustworthy), compulsive self-reliance, emotional detachment, and avoidance of emotional and physical intimacy.
Avoidant individuals try to keep unwanted attachment needs (i.e., frustration at the partner for not being available or loving) out of awareness, so they use strategies that deactivate their attachment system.
For example, they distract themselves from anything that could trigger unwanted emotions (e.g., fear, sadness, anger, guilt, or shame).
This is because feelings of anger, guilt, or shame in the context of the relationship might serve as reminders of their dependency on their partner or emotional investment in the relationship.
Personal processes behind attachment orientation change
Attachment patterns can and do change over time. There are two types of explanations for these changes, the first of which involves personal processes.
- Goal: Having the goal and the desire to attain secure attachment (e.g., less concerned about rejection, abandonment, measuring up).
- Maturation: People often become more emotionally stable, agreeable, and responsive over the years, possibly due to the social roles they take on. Spouses and parents are expected to develop important skills (becoming good listeners, attentive, responsive, and willing to compromise).
- Successful goal pursuit: Getting good grades or receiving a promotion at work may enhance feelings of independence, competence, and security.
- Attachment security priming: Exposure to security-related words (e.g., love), pictures (e.g., a mother comforting her toddler), and memories (e.g., imagining receiving a hug from a lover) can increase attachment security, at least in the short term.
Relational processes behind attachment orientation change
Attachment styles are also influenced by relational processes.
- Shared experiences: Shared happiness, enthusiasm, gratitude, and other positive emotions tend to reduce stress and increase security.
- Influences over time: Not only do couples often experience the same level of security simultaneously, but changes in one’s attachment security can predict future changes in the other.
- Buffering: Even when a partner’s attachment style cannot be changed directly, a secure person may still buffer the negative effects of attachment insecurity by respecting their partner’s need for autonomy and independence, focusing on their positive qualities, etc.
- Sexual activity: Just as romantic love and intimacy predict sexual satisfaction, sexual satisfaction may buffer relationship insecurity.
- Couples/marriage counseling: Emotion-focused couple therapy and other attachment-based therapies can reduce attachment avoidance and anxiety.
Takeaway
Attachment anxiety and avoidance are strategies used to control the activation of the attachment system. These strategies aim to prevent pain and distress that result when one’s needs for closeness, intimacy, love, and support are not met.
Unfortunately, whether through clinging behavior and excessive reassurance seeking or through detachment and avoidance, both attachment styles may damage the relationship (e.g., pushing the partner away).
The good news is that attachment orientations can and do change.
This may involve personal processes such as wanting to attain secure attachment or successful goal pursuit.
Or, through relational processes such as sharing positive emotions, satisfying sexual experiences, a relationship with a secure partner, and couple therapy, there is hope for becoming more secure in romantic relationships.
