13 Ways to Be the Best Man You Can Be

If you are a man—or if you happen to know and love one—you likely know that men have been bombarded for years now with messages about “toxic masculinity.” Though this term has earned a bad rap, it actually was intended to describe traditional and rigid masculinity, or masculinity run amok, and does not mean that toxicity and masculinity are one and the same.

I'm a clinical psychologist who has been treating men for four decades now. During this time, I've developed a profound appreciation for how many of us are absolutely committed to being the best man we can be—even when, because of our various imperfections, we fall short.

Over these years, in my work with men (individually, in couples, and in groups) I have collected pearls of wisdom from men that they, based on their own hard-earned experience, want to pass on to others. I've collected them below. As you read through, focus on the profound satisfaction you have experienced and will continue to experience when you live up to the truly highest standards of masculinity: the responsible and noble kind, not the toxic kind.

Guidelines for Good Men

1. Think of the changes that you are being called upon to make as actions of “real men” and “relational heroes.” If it's helpful to you, frame these thoughts with traditionally masculine language like “taking charge,” "becoming powerful,” and being “captain of your own ship.”
2. Take personal responsibility. You are not a victim of a bad childhood, life stress, or a nagging girlfriend. Real men don’t make excuses.
3. Learn to tolerate distress. Feeling bad is not necessarily a cause for escape, avoidance, or immediate corrective action. Real men can handle negative affect by talking and thinking—and only then taking possible smart actions.
4. Be very careful how you describe the events in your relationships. Take responsibility for your moods. Just because you feel injured or self-doubting does not necessarily mean that your partner, for example, tried to make you feel that way.
5. Even when you have done something destructive in a relationship, try to see yourself as a “good man behaving badly” or a “good man acting cluelessly.” Build the good man part while you analyze and correct the behaving badly part.
6. Keep a running list of times when you are tempted to act badly in a relationship, but instead find a different way. These can serve as nuggets of hope and models to guide you in the future.
7. Do whatever you can to let the other key people in your relationships (partners, friends, parents, and children) know that you believe in them and appreciate what they are going through—even if you do not always like their actions.
8. Be a responsible leader and bystander. Don’t laugh at or otherwise implicitly approve of other men who mistreat others, particularly women and children.
9. If you have children, think of them often. Act in ways that you want them to model throughout their lives.
10. When you sense that someone you care about needs emotional support or needs to hear more about you, talk to them. Admit if you feel helpless or don’t know what to say or do.
11. Take care of your side of the street, even when you believe that she or he or they are not taking care of hers or his or theirs.
12. Take a chance. Try talking to other men about some of your feelings—not just your incessant complaints, but your actual fears, self-doubts, and worries. Tell them about things you have done or said in your relationships that you regret.
13. I know this is not easy, but try learning how to validate yourself, instead of needing other people (particularly a romantic partner) to validate you. Find ways to take in this validation that neither leads you to withdraw emotionally nor threatens your primary relationship(s). In other words, remember that it is healthy to need, unhealthy to need excessively, and essential to do nothing which is fundamentally disrespectful to someone you love and need.