Self-Confirming Expectations and Relationships

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Here is an inquiry I received by one of my readers and my reply:

Hello Professor Winter,

I recently read an article you wrote back in 2015, titled "Why Do People Behave the Way They Do?" And I just wanted to ask you a question because it sounds like you would know what issue I'm dealing with.

For a while now, whenever I have an idea in my mind about how I think someone is expecting me to behave, I end up behaving that way. For example, with my wife—I will sometimes think I'm going to ask her a question in a rude way, for instance, and then I end up asking her in a rude way.

I also recently had a phone call with someone who was teaching me about something, and before the phone call, I thought to myself, "I'm probably going to come across as though I don't care what they are telling me." And from the tone of their voice near the end of the phone call, and the way the phone call went, I felt as though I really did come across as though I didn't care too much about what she was saying—even though I really did like all the information she was giving me.

Sometimes I will say something sincere to my wife, only to smirk afterward because I think, "She is going to think I'm not being sincere with her," and then it's like I can't control it.

Am I being affected by some sort of cognitive bias? Could you tell me more about why this happens to me, and if there's any way to stop it? I would really appreciate any help you could provide. Thank you!

This circle of events you describe is called "self-confirming expectations."

You expect yourself to be rude to your wife (or expect your wife to expect you to be rude), then contemplate her response to your behavior, and conclude, correctly, that she will be rude to you. Now, expecting her to be rude—and forgetting the reason for her supposed rudeness—you say to yourself, "Well, if she is going to be rude to me, why should I be nice to her?" This, in turn, makes you act in a rude manner to your wife and confirms your initial expectations.

This is the process by which wrong expectations become reality. It's a well-known phenomenon and many people suffer from it.

Using our cognitive abilities, however, there are ways to fight it:

1. Whenever you notice that you expect your behavior to be unhelpful, deliberate this expectation with yourself. Ask yourself, "Why am I expecting myself to behave this way, and how would the situation evolve if I act differently?" Then, set up a goal for yourself to behave differently.
2. Ahead of time, before the situation starts to evolve (say, while driving back home from work) commit to yourself to adopt an unconditional behavior. By this, I mean decide for yourself that for this one time, you will be nice to your wife regardless of how she treats you. I know it's very hard to do—but the idea here is that such commitment will make you more likely to behave properly in the first place, and hence the chances that she treats you badly and you treat her well will be very slim. But remember: A commitment is a commitment. If your wife has a bad day and responds aggressively to a well-mannered attitude on your part, you can't revert to being nasty. Otherwise, the whole exercise is pointless. If this hard-to-digest scenario takes place, don't worry, it will bear positive consequences on your future interactions with your wife, or with anyone else with whom you wish this pattern of behavior you describe to stop.

Good luck!