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Relationships
Why "I Don’t Want to" Is an Acceptable Answer
... and why so few people are willing to say it.
Posted March 19, 2022 Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster
Key points
- People often try to get you to take on what they want as your obligation.
- People hesitate to admit when they don't want to do something because they're worried about being judged as selfish.
A colleague invited me to co-lead a workshop with her at an upcoming conference.
I politely declined.
She pressed me a bit, asking me why I was saying no.
I told her I was saying no because I didn’t want to do it.
She pressed me a bit further, telling me her thinking about why it would be a good idea for us to do the workshop together.
I told her that I didn’t necessarily disagree with her that doing the workshop was a good idea, I was simply telling her that I didn’t want to do it, which meant that we weren’t going to do it together.
The truth is, "I don't want to" is almost always the real reason we don't do things.
For some reason, it’s so distasteful to admit that we don’t want to do something that we hide that simple truth with all kinds of rationales and justifications. A common example are the excuses people invent to justify not returning a phone call or email. “I’ve been really slammed,” or “I didn’t get that message, maybe it went to spam.”
Chances are they did get the message, but for whatever reason, they just didn’t want to respond yet. It may be that they are not interested in responding at all or maybe responding just hasn’t gotten to the top of their list yet. In either case, you don’t have to wonder whether they want to respond. You’ll know the minute they want to respond because they will. It’s really that straightforward.
Things only get confusing when you forget that other people are understandably more interested in what they want than what you want.
People often try to get you to take on what they want as your obligation.
They may use guilt and shame to make you feel bad if you don’t want to do what they want you to do. If you think about it, it’s remarkable that people can make you feel bad about not doing something that you never wanted to do in the first place, and then on top of that, even make you feel bad for not wanting to do it. One of the most striking examples is answering the phone.
Those of you who are old enough will remember that most families used to have a phone in the kitchen. In many families, if the phone rang during dinner, there would be a mad scramble of family members rushing to be the one to answer the phone before it stopped ringing.
Most people had answering machines, so you wouldn’t miss anything if you waited until after dinner. Apparently, each person took on some kind of obligation to whoever was calling, even though they had no idea of who was calling and whether it was a call they would welcome or wish they hadn’t answered.
People hesitate to admit that they don’t want to do something because they will be judged by others, and perhaps themselves, as selfish.
Selfishness gets a bad name in our culture as if you should focus primarily on what other people need and not give much thought to what’s right for you. Therapists like to counter this ethic by reminding people that in the safety instruction for every flight, the attendants remind people that if there is a drop in cabin pressure and the oxygen masks drop down that, counter-intuitively, or should I say, counter-culturally, it is actually better to put on your oxygen mask first before trying to help out anyone near you.
I prefer to use sex as an example because it is hopefully more familiar to people than the loss of cabin pressure and is far more compelling. I point out to people that good sex requires each partner have the capacity to be both generous and selfish. It’s easy to see how things don’t go well if each partner is only selfish, there would be no one giving pleasure for either of them to receive.
However, it is equally important that each partner also have the capacity to be selfish because there is no pleasure in giving to someone who is unable to receive.
The feminist principle of mutuality purposes the radical idea that relationships only work when they work for both people. If it’s not working for either person, then it can’t be working for the couple. There is an old saying that “I can’t count on your yes if you can’t also say no.”
Going back to the example with my colleague, while my not wanting to do the workshop was undoubtedly disappointing to her, making room in our relationship for either of us to claim when we don’t want to do things is what makes “yes” believable.
A version of this contribution appears on thegoodmenproject.com and is excerpted, in part, from Hidden in Plain Sight: How Men's Fears of Women Shape Their Intimate Relationships.
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