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Key points
- Circular fights happen for a reason, and usually that reason is hidden but not lost.
- Failed communication is a part but rarely the whole picture of most couple arguments.
- With a few targeted questions, you and your partner can uncover the real issue and work from there.
Have you ever found yourself mid-fight with your partner over a seemingly small topic and wondered to yourself, “How did we even get here?” Well, you’re not alone. The most common complaint I encounter in my practice and over the years is that loved ones find themselves in verbal knockdown, drag-out fights that go in circles over something that seemingly does not matter at all.
What I want you to know about this is that what you’re fighting about isn’t stupid or small at all. However, what you think you are fighting about may not be the whole picture. Until we figure out what it is that is really getting debated, we will be stuck in this cycle. So what does this look like?
Example: Mary and Mike
Take Mary and Mike.
A few weeks ago, Mike had asked Mary if they can schedule weekly date nights. Things with the kids had been hectic and he had been feeling disconnected from his wife. Mary loved the idea and they both made the commitment to plan it.
However, as life goes, things got busy and neither one of them took the initiative to find a sitter and put something on the calendar. A week goes by and then two, and Mike begins to keep a mental tally of the days, then hours, and minutes that Mary continues to fail to schedule a date.
Mary, knowing that Mike asked for date nights, but assuming his lack of reminders means it wasn’t that big of a deal to him, lets the responsibilities of work and kids continue to take precedence.
Then comes a free Friday night. Mike is hoping that a date will happen, but Mary schedules a sleepover for their son to be hosted at their house. Mike, finding this out via text on the drive home, loses his cool and an argument begins the moment he walks in the house in which Mike blames Mary for making plans without him, and Mary snaps at Mike for being insensitive to her attempts to plan activities for the kids, and for him being generally too quick-tempered “out of nowhere.”
On the surface, it looks as though we’re arguing about a lapse in communication. But is that really what’s going on? Yes and no. The lapse in communication did in fact act as a catalyst for the argument. But the fuel that keeps the tempers hot and feelings hurt is the fact that needs, in this case Mike’s, are not being met.
If we were to strip away the surface issue, we would see that it wasn’t that Mike was upset by having a sleepover at their house. We would see that Mike’s stewing disappointment resulted in him perceiving Mary’s actions as her not making him and their relationship a priority. Until that conclusion is reached, communicated, and worked through, the circular fight will continue.
Getting to the Root Issue or Root Need
If you liken it to a tree, without knowledge of the root issue, the couple will stay in the prickly and twisting branches of the argument that will tangle them up. Instead, we need to know when we are in the branches, and then move our way down to the roots.
So how do you do this? Start by asking yourself:
- What are we fighting about? Examples: chores not getting done, plans getting canceled, or an insensitive comment.
- Then ask yourself: When my partner did this thing, how did I feel about myself, our relationship, or them?
I know that this may seem like we are going too deep, but the problem with circular fights that go nowhere is that the couple isn’t going deep enough.
A sly comment (branches) can seem like no big deal to the commenter but can make the slighted partner fear they aren’t respected (roots). A pile of laundry being left on the couch (branches) can seem like something to simply do later to one person, but a sign of never-ending irresponsibility (roots) to the other.
Once you identify your roots, you can communicate that need effectively by using statements that center on how you felt, instead of what the other person did wrong. Focus on your feelings, not their failings. Trust me—your partner will be more receptive, and this is better for both of you.
