Why Narcissists Demand Loyalty

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Although the DSM-5 does not define types of narcissism, some experts and researchers have identified six. One is called the vulnerable (or covert) narcissist. But all narcissistic types are vulnerable in the sense that they’re afflicted with the most delicate of egos. And that, in turn, makes them stubbornly resistant to disclosing their vulnerability to others.

Ironically, they feel much too vulnerable to admit vulnerability.

Following are some of the characteristics present in virtually all narcissists. It should be obvious that given these negatively reactive traits and tendencies, they’d require powerful defenses to protect themselves from the anxiety and depression that would result from publicly “exposing” their easily threatened, fragile self.

• They’re hypersensitive and oppositional to criticism, because if they took it seriously, they’d be forced to confront their chronic and extremely painful self-doubts.
• They’re disposed to blame and shame others—because although they’re not conscious of it, adopting that aggressive stance feels much better than having to blame and shame themselves—which they likely did as insecure children when they received, or thought they received, messages from their caretakers questioning their basic acceptability.
• Similarly, they’re strongly prone toward anger, even rage—because that’s their prevalent defense when another’s criticism or differing viewpoint threatens their tenuously positive self-image)
• They crave attention, validation, admiration, deference, obeyance, respect—and the list goes on, because again, in growing up, they felt either ignored or uncared for; or—though less likely—just the opposite, having been lavished with indiscriminate praise, probably because their parents were also narcissists and so saw their children as extensions of their own “entitled” selves. With such a “privileged” background, these individuals can’t help but grow to believe they’re deserving of special treatment–of being placed on an exceptionally high pedestal.

• They quest after power and status, wealth, sexual domination, and prestigious relationships by way of demonstrating their marked superiority to others.

Nonetheless, as plentiful as the literature on narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is, I’ve yet to find any writings that focus on their requiring loyalty from others as it specifically relates to how they safeguard their anxiety-laden vulnerability.

When Bravado Masquerades as Bravery

Narcissists or not, it’s only human nature to want to think well of ourselves and to be concerned with how others see us. So however unconsciously, almost all of us develop defenses designed to protect us from unfavorable criticism.

Unless we’ve reached the point of unconditional self-acceptance, which would render us much less vulnerable to others’ evaluation, we might well yield to the temptation of withholding information, disguising feelings, boasting about or exaggerating our abilities, hiding past failures and rejections–or, apprehensively, demanding others’ loyalty.

In short, we’d need to be confident and trust that others' support will be unwavering—regardless of whether we’re right or wrong.

Yet, assuming we’re devoid of most narcissistic traits, we’re still more open and honest than narcissists can permit themselves to be. We can allow ourselves to be vulnerable and reveal that vulnerability in ways narcissists feel compelled to avoid. For unreservedly offering evidence of their vulnerability would be intolerable to them–a fatal sign of weakness.

What dictates their almost instantaneous flight from vulnerability is a diffuse anxiety, generally unrecognizable to them, yet never far below the surface. Routinely following the dictum of “the best defense is a good offense,” that offense is usually exhibited through explosive anger, dramatically camouflaging their underlying anxiety whenever their fragile ego feels under siege.

It should be added that others’ intentions may be innocent enough. Their motive might merely be to offer constructive feedback or humbly express their hurt feelings caused by the narcissist’s gross disregard or disrespect for them.

Yet such assertiveness is typically enough to unconsciously activate the narcissist's defenses against much earlier anxieties linked to family neglect, dismissal, abandonment, or repudiation.

The still fearful, insecure child residing inside them had originally been defenseless, without the emotional or intellectual resources to comfort or validate themselves. And that youngster regrettably developed into a person desperate to protect their shaky ego by strenuously invalidating the legitimacy of anything experienced as antagonistically directed toward them.

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At the bottom, their conundrum is that instead of growing their courage and self-confidence through taking personal and interpersonal risks, narcissistic personalities disproportionately “grow” their defense mechanisms. However, falsely, they decide the most advantageous way to feel better about themselves is to rigidly—and routinely—denigrate others.

Rather than aim for meaningful achievements and genuinely intimate relationships that could effectively resolve their self-doubts, they choose instead to center their attention on fostering a false sense of superiority over everyone else. And this is what, unfortunately, stunts their growth–individually, socially, and morally.

They may look like other adults and, in many instances, behave like them. But in essence, they remain highly defended, irritable adolescents.

My previous post elaborates on their woeful inability to take criticism and learn from it. Nonetheless, their anxiety-anesthetizing anger and rage preclude their having to reexperience the haunting feelings of emotional and mental pain buried deep within them. Again, their outward show of strength, despite its menacing appearance, masks what’s really a pervasive personality weakness.

Writers sometimes note the elemental cowardice of narcissists. And it’s true that a merely inflated ego (vs. a truly strong one) lacks the stamina to admit, whether to themselves or others, their various mistakes and misdeeds. They simply can’t do this and still feel okay about themselves.

The paradox here is that, utterly governed by subterranean anxieties, these same insecurities actually “regulate” their behavior—despite several research studies rightfully concluding that they’re emotionally dysregulated.

Another previous post, though it addresses something universal in all of us, describes perfectly the authentic power so markedly absent from narcissists. Here’s a targeted marital quotation from that related post:

To betray just how dependent on our spouse we were (with all the vulnerability such dependency implies) would likely only exacerbate our most secret fear that we couldn't be sufficiently cared about—or that maybe we weren't even worth being cared about. . . .

Along with our fears, most of us also feel a certain shame about divulging our dependencies. After all, as adults it's almost always considered a virtue to be autonomous and self-reliant, whereas the mere suggestion of neediness is generally associated with being weak.

Narcissists don’t dare divulge their neediness, which is why fundamental dependency needs never met in the past can’t be redressed. And anything like happiness, joy, and contentment (at least without expert professional intervention) forever eludes them.

So, returning to the beginning of this post, the main reason narcissists demand—and have to demand—loyalty from their cohorts and followers is that if their alleged power and control were successfully challenged, the spuriousness of their finally “postured power” would be humiliatingly exposed.

© 2022 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.