The Evolution of Lying: As We Mature, so Does Our Lying

"Come on now—Is that really the truth?"

Source: AI/123rf

Regardless of how conscious or contrived our lying is, all of us lie. In general, however, we lie only in situations where it seems a better choice than simply telling the truth. Also, in most scenarios, lying can’t be categorically dismissed as immoral. For its practice is far more complicated.

Whether mindful or mindless, everyday examples of lying cover as many existential areas as might be imagined. And, depending on your life circumstances, particular instances of this well-nigh universal tendency may relate sharply, or only dimly, to you.

Consider some fairly common examples frequently cited in the abundant literature on this perennially controversial subject:

Child-to-Parent Lying

“He (she) started it!” Since the child fears telling the truth will virtually guarantee being punished, they disavow any responsibility for hitting their sibling first.

“But mom said I could!” They appeal to their dad, despite never even having approached their mom or asking her permission under their breath while she nodded, too busy preparing dinner to take in what they said—or maybe replied that it was up to their father.

“If you let me ________ [fill in the blank for your own child, or maybe you when you were younger], I’ll never ask for anything again.”] Right, sure, but could any child really think such a promise was sustainable?

“I’m just too sick to go to school today.” But in reality, could the child want to avoid being caught not having done their homework, or might they be bullied by a classmate but too humiliated to tell their parents, and so on?

Parent-to-Child Lying

“Cracking your knuckles like that will eventually make them break.” When the truth is that this habit won’t hurt the child, even though the parent finds it extremely irritating.

“If you keep crossing your eyes, they’ll get stuck that way, and no one will want to be your friend.” That is scary, but no evidence supports it.

“When you sit so close to the TV, you’re damaging your eyes.” Maybe back in the ’50s when TVs emitted excessive radiation, but not today.

“Santa’s watching everything you do, so don’t think you can continue your shenanigans and still get Christmas presents.” Especially with a very young child, this threat could frighten them—but, unfortunately, make them more anxious than virtuous.

Child: "I wonder whether I might be able to get away with this?"

Source: AI/123rf

The Naiveté of a Very Young Child’s Lying

As children grow older, their lying becomes more “knowing,” more sophisticated. And their reasons for lying become more varied, increasingly similar to their parents, who (though inadvertently) serve as primary models.

Until they approach age 4, they generally haven’t yet developed a theory of mind, meaning that they assume their parents will take whatever they say literally. The notion that their caregiver’s perspective may—and probably will—differ substantially from theirs hasn’t yet entered their unsuspecting mind.

Additionally, their thinking is vastly more egocentric than most adults. And focusing almost exclusively on personal goals, aspirations, rewards, and punishments, they’re pretty much oblivious to others’ reactions.

If their grandmother buys them a gift they dislike, they’ll artlessly broadcast their aversion to it, unaware that their curt admission is likely to hurt Grandma’s feelings.

In short, they can’t conceptualize the nature or value of “white lies” and how they can be intentionally and diplomatically employed to protect not their emotional welfare but another’s.

On the contrary, they make bad, incompetent liars because they’re ignorant of which elocutions, times, and places are appropriate to lie “successfully.” Nor do they realize the importance of hiding their true feelings by covering their tracks.

How Lying Evolves and Becomes Increasingly Proficient

As children get older, their lying becomes more and more similar to their parents, as a result of repeatedly getting trapped by their prevarications and their parents’ teaching them about honesty (ordinarily) being the best policy.

And ironically, becoming much more cognizant of their parents’ lying behaviors, their own duplicity becomes more accomplished. It’s as though this skill (if it can rightfully be called that) has matured, making it roughly equivalent to that of their all-too-often hypocritical caregivers.

Deception Essential Reads

Understanding the Private-to-Public Filter

How Lies Get Under Your Skin

Nevertheless, experts have come to identify lying as a vital step in a child's development. It demonstrates that they’re learning how their minds are separate from their parents, that to be totally true to themselves, they sometimes need to be false, or contrary, to their caretakers.

And similar to a child’s saying "no," it’s important to their evolution to start affirming their boundaries (i.e., their needs and wants, desires and preferences) as distinguishable from their caregivers’

We live in a socially interdependent world. Thus, human nature being what it is, as children grow beyond the normal developmental stage of self-absorption, not only does their ability to communicate falsehoods become more polished, but it also better reflects their parents’ motives for mendacity.

"Darn! I should have covered my tracks much better. Now I'm really in trouble!"

Source: AI/123rf

Initially, children lie to get what they want, whether that’s material or emotional. As children, having no authority to require their caregivers to give them what, at any given moment, seems crucial to them, they’re left to figure out indirect ways of incentivizing their parents to accommodate their desires (even if it’s just for more attention).

But as they age, their psyches become more complicated, as do their motives. And that’s when they use lying in a more tactical—and, frankly, manipulative—fashion.

How, Inevitably, Children and Parents Lie for Very Much the Same Reasons

It’s certainly true that principled, conscientious parents will deliberately lie to their kids to protect them from learning about things they’re not old enough to understand without feeling threatened or intimidated—such as a brutally reckless murder or masochistic, self-hating suicide.

And parents’ other protective motives might relate to:

• Keeping their child safe and out of harm’s way by hyperbolically magnifying the various dangers to which they’d otherwise be vulnerable
• Shielding them from hurtful disappointments and harsh realities that probably would overwhelm them
• Complimenting them on some (possibly mediocre) creative endeavor to boost or safeguard their self-esteem
• Disciplining them or setting limits, taking care not to shame them
• Avoiding counter-productive or ill-timed arguments
• Maintaining necessary control over them—and their sometimes rash or destructive impulses
• Wanting not to (prematurely) disillusion or sadden them (at 3, why not believe in the Easter Bunny?)
• Teasing them by telling them tall tales, well, just for fun

Unquestionably, there are many self-interested, less ethically justifiable motives, too, which can harm a child’s healthy development. But this topic has already been thoroughly covered (e.g., see my reference section), so there’s no need—or, frankly, space—to delineate them here.

As regards, finally, motives for deception shared more or less equally by parents and their offspring, they both may lie to each other to:

• Prevent one another from worrying about something they don’t perceive as that serious
• Keep peace and harmony within the family by avoiding potentially distressing subjects
• Establish proper distance, maintain privacy and a sense of personal control—that is, independence and autonomy are critical for the relationship’s integrity
• Avoid needlessly disappointing each other
• Ward off risks to one another’s self-image or reputation

To briefly conclude, before we utter a lie or negatively disparage someone else’s, we ought to consider whether its social or ethical value is commensurate with other ideals we endeavor to live by.

© 2024 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.