Understanding Acts of Kindness

Starting from the time of humans living in social groups, the importance of relying on each other for support has been instrumental to their survival. Moreover, such cooperation and support with one another can also reflect kindness. Research (Curry, et al., 2018) finds that various features can lead to engaging in kindness behavior. For example, being kind to:

• Family members
• People in their community with whom they share common interests
• Someone who performed a kindness for them
• Someone from whom they may one day need an act of kindness (p. 321)

Given that our lifestyle and expectations have changed, partly because of innovative technological, social, and communication advances, there is far more interaction, affiliation, and dependency on others than ever before. Consequently, kindness can be very important by adding to one’s reputation or status (Curry, et al., 2018).

Generally, people are more motivated to help and be kind to others they know than to strangers. Exline et al., (2011) identify this as “ingroup favoritism.” It’s understandable that a person would be more inclined to perform an act of kindness for someone close to them than to a stranger because their existing bond is the catalyst for providing this assistance. Not surprisingly, there is a tendency among many people to pay more attention to the needs of close family and friends than to strangers or even oneself.

Normative and Non-Normative Kindness

There is a distinction as to whether the “acts of kindness,” are “normative” or “non-normative.” Normative acts are in line with social norms and thus result in expected emotional responses. Non-normative acts are those that go against following expected social norms of kindness. For example, an individual may go out of her way to help a person who obviously appears to be having difficulty crossing a very busy street. One would expect the recipient to be somewhat grateful for the stranger’s help (normative); however, if the recipient becomes argumentative and attempts to strike the helper, shouting “leave me alone,” that could be viewed as a non-normative response.

It’s understandable that a person would be more likely to perform an act of kindness for someone close to them than to a stranger because of their bonds and the expectation of kindness. Receiving kindness from a stranger can be more complicated. Because there are no established expectations, the recipient’s response is not always certain.

One possibility is that the recipient will experience far more gratitude toward the stranger because their behavior was unexpected and given freely by someone who had no expectation to do so. Instances of helping people who expect assistance from those they know do not diminish their value and degree of kindness. But receiving help and kindness from someone who has no obligation or ulterior motive to do so is demonstrating altruistic behavior. Yet, there can be a “downside” to this. Exline and colleagues also suggest that receiving “undeserved kindness” can have a negative effect for the recipient. The person may feel suspicious of the “good Samaritan’s" behavior and wonder what the giver’s true motive may be. Although the act may be an act of kindness on the part of the benefactor, the recipient may not see it as normative behavior. Consequently, it may cause the recipient to experience some problematic emotions and thoughts such as:

• Being viewed as inadequate or submissive which can result in the person feeling demoralized
• The belief that they now have an obligation to their benefactor, particularly if the benefactor mentions “repayment”
• Possibly feeling guilty and ashamed for being dependent on others (Exline et al., p. 46)

These reactions can arise not only when a stranger helps them but also with family and others they know. Moreover, it can arouse a sense of being a burden, which can be particularly upsetting if one has always been capable and independent.

Consequently, a major factor in relation to helping behavior from others is whether the recipient asked for help or not. There are mixed findings on this issue. Some research has found that when the person “in need” receives help from people who are expected to provide it (e.g., family members, persons known to them, or those who are paid to do so), the recipient’s degree of gratitude is not as great than if the assistance was from a stranger. This can be referred to as a “random act of kindness” (Baskerville et al., 2000).

On the other hand, for some people receiving non-normative assistance (i.e., from those who have no obligation or expectation to provide help), it may cause the recipient to experience negative emotions such as guilt, shame, and weakness (Exline, et al.). This reaction may be due to feeling that they are undeserving of the assistance because they have done “nothing to earn the kindness.” (p. 47)

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Situations Where Kindness Is Important

Acts of kindness are not performed only for those in need. Some people are simply benevolent and are characterologically kind. Others may be kind because that is how they saw their parents treat people (Kohn, 1990).

There are also circumstances where acts of kindness are essential, such as commercial enterprises. The motto that “the customer is always right” emphasizes that the employees are expected to make their patrons happy. This is not always easy to do for some customers. Yet, even when working with difficult people, showing them kindness can alter their behavior and make them more receptive.

In general, acts of kindness to people one knows, strangers, or oneself, can boost the actor’s happiness, especially when kindness is not expected. Moreover, demonstrating kindness in almost all interpersonal situations, may not only “break the ice” and encourage interaction, but can also increase one’s own happiness. Being kind is a practice that delivers dividends to all.