Creating Space for Our Emotions to Heal

All of us have emotions. Core emotions like sadness, fear, anger, joy, excitement, sexual excitement, and disgust are wired into our brains and bodies for good reason. They help us survive and thrive. However, there’s no sanctioned place in our society to explore and share our emotions. And this omission hurts us individually and collectively.

Judging emotions makes no sense since they happen without conscious control. Core emotions get set off in the middle part of the brain called the limbic system. Before we have any conscious awareness of what is happening, the limbic system fires up the lower brain to stimulate the vagus nerve, the largest nerve in the body connecting to virtually every organ and biological system we have. And this is how a particular emotion—let’s say anger—so quickly affects the body and prepares us for an emotional response to help us survive, like fighting off an attack. That’s the purpose of core emotions: to make us automatically and rapidly take actions adaptive for survival.

Most of us intuitively understand that emotions make us move especially when we use fear as an example. Just imagine that a wild bear burst into your home. Your heart would start racing, your legs would start running and you would take off. You would run for your life! Only after you found safety could you slow down to assess for further danger. It’s only at that point that you would be able to register that your heart was beating fast and that you were experiencing the core emotion of fear. Before that, it's all a fast, non-thinking response to threat.

I don’t know about you, but I was raised in an environment where I was told that I should be able to control or stop my emotions. I was expected to be "better than them." That meant I was “together.” Then I studied what emotions actually are and why we have them. Contrary to what I had always believed, core emotions are not under conscious control. I wasn’t bad or weak for having emotions or feeling emotional. I was just human. What a revelation and a relief!

Emotions just are! They’re programmed from birth to do their thing — help us survive and thrive — by affecting our bodies. Although we cannot stop emotions from being set off, we can work with them to ultimately respond in healthy and constructive ways. I use and teach the Change Triangle, a tool for understanding and working with emotions. Working with emotions gives us knowledge and power to better our mental health and improve our relationships

Here's an example of how "Jack" transformed to use his emotions in more constructive ways. Years ago, when Jack's wife used to complain that he wasn't more romantic, he used to get angry. He heard her complaint as an insult that he wasn't good enough. His response was to get defensive and even launch an offense: "Well you never dress sexy anymore so I don't feel like being romantic." This hurt his wife and she withdrew. Emotions were everywhere but neither of them had the skills to notice, name, and validate them. They had no idea how to talk about emotions. When he was triggered by his wife, he lost control of how to respond in ways that brought them together, not wedged them further apart.

After Jack learned the Change Triangle, a tool for understanding and guiding him through his emotions and defenses, he started to change. He began practicing skills to work with his emotions. He realized he did not want to get defensive. Instead, he wanted to respond in a way that built deeper emotional understanding so they could solve their conflicts in ways that fostered connection. He learned to slow down in emotional moments and this helped him control his angry impulses even when he felt attacked by his wife. Their interactions began to change for the better.

Now when Jack's wife complains, he immediately shifts his attention to sense his feet on the ground and takes a few deep belly breaths. These tools help him slow his reactivity. He turns inward, noticing he has been triggered to anger. He recognizes the sensations of anger, like heat in his core, tightness in his jaw, and impulses to lash out by saying hostile quips. But now he has space to process the anger first so he doesn't automatically attack.

Jack processes his anger by validating how hurtful his wife can sound and how that reminds him of his parents who were so critical. He processes his anger by being compassionate to himself. He also tries to hear the intent of his wife's request: She wants more connection. That is a good thing as it shows her love and interest in him, even though she doesn't yet express it the way he would like. Still, his newfound goal is to respond kindly and gently saying things like, "Yes, let's plan something fun and romantic together. I like that idea and I need help planning something. I get insecure that you will not like what I planned and I don't want to disappoint you."

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Sometimes Jack still gets defensive and sometimes he is able to pause before responding. Jack knows this is a lifelong practice and he won't always be successful. But that's ok. It's the trying that matters and the talking together when they get it wrong.

Why do we sometimes have a hard time feeling or identifying the core emotions we experience?

How we feel about our emotions is directly affected by how our early caregivers tolerated our emotions. For example, if we showed anger, did we get a response from our caregivers that made us feel better or worse? Did our caregivers abandon us when we showed anger? Or did our caregivers validate our anger as they guided our behaviors to be constructive?

Our families and cultures determine the relationship we have with our emotions. Do we accept our emotions or reject them? Do we listen to and make good use of emotions or push them away?

Our society doesn't teach us enough (or anything) about our emotions. In fact, we learn in our dysfunctional society to keep emotions down and hidden, lest we feel vulnerable or ashamed. For many of us, having to disavow our authentic self, of which our emotions are a key part, costs us our mental health and sense of wellbeing as a person of worth and value. We see this reflected in the rates of anxiety and depression. Understanding core emotions and what happens to us when they are welcomed or unwelcomed provides a hopeful path for positive change.