How to Grow Your Capacity for Emotional Intimacy

Seth’s natural impulse was to shy away from showing affection to his girlfriend. That made perfect sense to me, his therapist, since he grew up with a father who never showed affection. How would a little boy learn that expressing intimacy and affection was a positive behavior rewarded by a host of mental and physical health benefits if his own father could not? It's likely that he wouldn't.

Early brain wiring makes us very aware and wary of unfamiliar experiences. In general, the feelings and actions that our parents freely expressed when they were raising us come to be the feelings and actions that we feel comfortable with as adults. These lessons can be overridden, but usually not without some conflict as our early brain programming is strong.

Doing something different than we saw our parents do initially triggers a sense that we are risking something: rejection, humiliation, or embarrassment. We are out in the proverbial left field when we demonstrate feelings and behaviors not part of our family culture.

Seth, however, was trying to grow beyond what his father modeled. During one of our sessions, he shared, “I can sense that part of me that wants to shy away from intimacy. Every bone in my body wants to retreat. I feel very embarrassed about showing any public display of affection. But when I’ve forced myself to put my arm around my girlfriend when we are out with friends, I can see how much that means to her. Seeing her happy makes me happy and overrules my discomfort. Each time I show affection, I grow more comfortable. I'm starting to actually like it.”

I was moved by Seth’s courage to do the opposite of what felt familiar and to forgo total comfort in service of personal growth. And I was impressed by Seth's strength to overcome the impulses that pulled him away from connection.

It was brave to demonstrate his tenderness to his girlfriend. He liked the connection and intimacy even though he struggled to accept that he liked it. He came to believe he wasn’t weak for wanting and showing intimacy. On the contrary, he understood now it was simply human to want intimate connections with both men and women. He learned firsthand that he could feel strong and tender at the same time.

All people have the ability to grow their capacity for intimacy. When we tap into our desire for more connection, we have the choice to embrace the opportunity.

Here are 5 tips to help grow the capacity for intimacy:

• Expect and welcome the (temporary) discomfort that comes with doing something different.
• Start off with small steps to minimize discomfort.
• Share with your partner or friend that you are trying out new ways of being. Ask for support.
• Learn more about the science of emotions and the innate biological need for connection so you get validation that needs for love, connection, and intimacy are totally human for all people.
• Remember that you are worthy of love and connection even if you feel unworthy because you didn’t get enough as a child.

As Bertrand Russell, British philosopher, logician, mathematician, historian, writer, social critic, and political activist, once said, “Those who have never known the deep intimacy and the intense companionship of mutual love have missed the best thing that life has to give.”

Lastly, if you are a parent reading this and my words bring up guilt or remorse that you didn't give enough to your child, it is never too late. We can make amends by being accountable for our actions, apologizing, and most importantly by forging a new and more intimate relationship with our adult sons that includes saying “I love you” and giving hugs.

A+ for trying!

Patient details have been changed to protect privacy.