Can Therapy Harm Your Marriage?

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Little compares to the loneliness people feel in marriages where fighting and emotional distance are the norm. Most people say, “I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than endure the isolation I feel in my marriage.”

It is at this low point, when the pain becomes unbearable, that many seek professional help for their relationships. That’s a good thing.

Or is it? The simple answer is, “It depends.”

Consider Deb’s experiences when, given her extreme unhappiness in her marriage to Jason, she finally sought help from Ellen, an individual therapist.

In the first session, Deb told Ellen why her 14-year-old marriage to Jason had become so unhealthy. She described Jason as controlling and critical and offered many examples of feeling unheard and misunderstood. Although early marriage felt magical to Deb, in recent years, their relationship was fraught with conflict and emotional distance. Deb felt that she had fallen out of love with Jason.

Ellen asked Deb when their problems started. “After our first child was born,” she said. “He felt jealous of the baby. It was as if I had two children instead of one.” Curious about why Jason had difficulty stepping into the father role and adjusting to their new family life, Ellen asked about Jason’s upbringing. Deb shared that, although Jason had two other brothers, he had been the favorite son, garnering his parents’ attention and adoration. Ellen connected the dots; being spoiled contributed to Jason’s sense of entitlement.

Additionally, based on Deb’s account of feeling unheard and misunderstood, Ellen also questioned whether Jason lacked empathy and the ability to be vulnerable and intimate with Deb. Deb undoubtedly shared Ellen’s concerns.

Then Ellen asked about Deb’s parents’ relationship. Upon reflection, Deb thought that Jason and her father had much in common. Ellen helped Deb recognize that she was repeating familiar patterns of the past by having chosen Jason as her partner and asked how Deb felt about that. Deb quietly reflected on Ellen’s question. Eventually, she responded, “I don’t want to be my mother. I deserve more out of life.”

What’s wrong with this picture?

For one thing, Jason was not present to tell his side of the story. Spouses rarely have similar views of their marital problems. Had Jason been in session with Ellen, he, too, would have expressed unhappiness, but for completely different reasons.

For example, Jason might have said:

“Deb and I had a wonderful relationship at first; we had so much in common. I felt so in love with her. Then, our first child was born. I wanted to be a father as much as Deb wanted to be a mom. Having a baby felt like a miracle. But then it all changed. Deb was obsessed with being a mom. It’s all she cared about. She didn’t want me around. When I would care for our baby, she criticized me. I hated her criticism, so I stopped spending time with her. She had no interest in sex or physical affection. I tried talking to her about it, but she was dismissive of my feelings. I wasn’t expecting things to be like they were in ‘the old days,’ I just wanted to feel like I had a partner. Eventually, I gave up and focused more on work. Although this made me feel a little better, my relationship with Deb deteriorated. She was constantly angry. I didn’t sign up for this kind of marriage.”

Different perspective, right?

It isn’t that Deb’s narrative is “wrong” it’s just that it is one-sided. When it comes to relationships, one-sided explanations are myopic and rarely fix things. Also, it’s unfair to “diagnose” Jason without hearing his view on things. Hearing only one side of the story makes it easy to side with the complainer. That’s what friends do. Therapists should be more than “friends.” It might surprise you to learn that one of the best predictors of divorce is when an unhappily married person seeks individual therapy.

Individual therapy isn’t the only setting in which marriages can find themselves on shaky ground. Couples therapy can produce its share of marital casualties, too. The therapist’s skill level can mean the difference between “happily ever after” or divorce court. Countless couples report that when they hit impasses in therapy, instead of exploring alternative strategies—or referring elsewhere—to create marital breakthroughs, therapists often suggest that people are incompatible.

Research shows that couples who are in long-term, happy relationships are no more similar to one another (i.e., compatible) than those who divorce. The one difference is that people in happy marriages learn how to deal with their differences. The bottom line? Being told you and your spouse are incompatible may say more about clinical ineffectiveness than the quality of your relationship.

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By the time people seek help, they often have different goals for their marriages; one person wants in, the other wants out. Unskilled and inexperienced therapists see no other option than to help the person who wants to save the marriage to accept the inevitable: divorce. Just know that there are many other alternatives to this clinical conundrum.

Finally, it’s important to remember that all therapists are biased. For example, if a therapist has an extremely low tolerance for anger and your spouse angers easily, your therapist might encourage you to end your relationship. Or, if a therapist is extremely happily remarried, he or she might see divorce as a healthy rite of passage. Conversely, if your therapist’s own parents’ divorce was traumatic, there might be a bias to avoid divorce at all costs. Biases are unavoidable, no matter what anyone says.

So, what should you do when you’ve hit a dead end in your marriage? Do your homework. Interview your therapist. Find someone who shares your core values. Make sure you feel understood and respected. Trust your instincts. Most of all, don’t let anyone tell you your marriage is doomed.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.