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Key points
- Sharing a humorous moment develops a sense of connection, which is so key in the therapeutic bond.
- A dash of humor may bring bring about a much-needed new perspective.
- Humor can bring hope.
As a therapist, I try to create a safe space for my patients, one in which they feel comfortable sharing their darkest feelings, thoughts, and experiences. It's not easy for many people to open up about their pain, guilt, anger, and despair, whether it relates to marriage problems, work woes, grief, parenting troubles, or other knotty issues. It's only by building trust that people delve deeply into their emotional core, painful past, and internal and external conflicts.
And so it may seem odd that I suggest here that humor can play an important role in therapy. I am certainly not suggesting that it be a constant dynamic. Yet it can serve a purpose. Not only is a good laugh enjoyable, it connects us as people when we share a laugh. And, after all, having a good connection between patient and therapist is foundational to successful therapy.
Injecting Humor into the Conversation Can Add Perspective
Greg was 92. In his elder years, his life had drastically changed. Once he had been an on-the-go tennis-playing, Broadway, and opera enthusiast. Physical weakness and instability brought on by Parkinson's disease now made it difficult for him to walk. Much of his time was spent in his apartment with his aide. He spent weekends with his adult children, feeling resentful and guilty about his dependence on them.
One day Greg, walked into my office, hunched over his cane, and immediately launched into bitter complaints about his daughters. The source of his rage: the tissue boxes they had in their homes. “What’s wrong with them?," he practically barked. "We never had tissues boxes like that in the house when they were growing up! It’s impossible to pull the tissues out.”
Greg's face seemed to grow increasingly red as he vented his frustration about the tissue boxes. When he finally quieted down, I said, “Greg, if this is the biggest complaint you have against your daughters, I think you’re doing pretty well!” I couldn't help but laugh a bit as I said this. After all, Greg spent time with his children on a weekly basis. If the low point of their relationship revolved around tissue boxes, he had it pretty good. Fortunately, Greg was open to my observation and broke into laughter. “I guess you’re right,” he chuckled sheepishly. "Tissue problems are probably pretty low on the list of reasons for family feuds."
I knew that Greg was referring to cube-shaped boxes that frustrated him because his trembling fingers had difficulty reaching into the boxes to pull out tissues. It was also clear to me he needed to gain a little perspective. Fortunately, just a bit of humor gave him a reality check. He went from feeling miserable about his daughters to acknowledging that he had it pretty good. He knew his daughters were devoted to him but his frustration with his physical limitations had clouded his outlook. In this case, humor was, in essence, a vehicle for a new perspective. It planted the seed for positivity.
Lightening the moment
As I noted, humor is certainly not something that is always appropriate to introduce in a psychotherapy session. Adding a dash of humor depends on having a sixth sense of when the mood of a therapy session or the subject being discussed will benefit from a moment of irony, absurdity, or laughter. In the best cases, when used well, humor has distinct benefits:
- It can provide perspective, as it did for Greg above.
- It can lighten a tense moment.
- It can reduce a patient's anxiety.
- It can defuse anger.
- It can instill hope.
- It can help foster the therapeutic bond.
In his book A Rumor of Angels: Modern Society and the Rediscovery of the Supernatural, sociologist Peter Berger talks about what he calls “signals of transcendence”—little flashes of light which seem to point to a transcendent reality. “By laughing at the imprisonment of the human spirit, humour implies that this imprisonment is not final but will be overcome, and by this implication provides yet another signal of transcendence, in the form of an intimation of redemption.”
In other words, as Berger points out, humor brings hope. As long as we can laugh at something, all is not lost! And sharing a laugh, as all good friends have discovered, fosters an empathic connection. Laughing together helps cement a bond. The bond between therapist and patient is a vitally important ingredient for psychotherapeutic change. It's by sharing one's deepest feelings and thoughts, and even a bit of humor, that this bond grows.
Humor and humanity
I learned about the importance of using humor in therapy from my own psychoanalysis. My analyst didn’t offer advice per se but how he handled issues that arose in treatment wasn’t just helpful to me; it is something I have put into use when I treat others. It takes time to hone this skill. It’s not like telling jokes to a friend. And there are no rules or guidelines. It requires being deeply attuned to your patient and sensing when a humorous or ironic interjection will add just the right note to the therapeutic discourse.
As a clinician for four decades, I have witnessed numerous numinous moments in which a sense of closeness and deep humanity came from sharing humor. A lighthearted comment can give a patient that bit of hope or ray of light they need at just that time. Laughing together is actually a sign of therapeutic improvement: People who are severely depressed don’t generally laugh. As treatment progresses, it’s wonderful to see their sense of humor return. That first smile or chuckle can be seen as the inner light breaking through the dark shell of psychopathology and a welcome signpost on the road to recovery.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
