Verified by 
Relationships
Supporting Our Partner Through Talking Therapy
Staying connected while our partner develops and grows.
Posted March 24, 2021 Reviewed by Davia Sills
- While talk therapy can help both an individual and their partner in the long term, it can also temporarily increase the strain on the relationship.
- If your partner is in therapy, you can help by giving them the space and time they need, focusing on your own personal development, and not trying to be their therapist.
- While it may take time, you will see positive changes if you continue to support rather than trying to control your partner's therapy.
If our partner is attending talk therapy, we might have some questions about how best to support them. As we observe the effect of talk therapy on our partner’s emotions and behavior, it can be hard to know what to do. Some days may be filled with optimism and joy, while others make us feel lost, not knowing what to do or how to help them.
The effect on relationships
Relationships can be under pressure when our partner is attending individual therapy or counseling. As the process of therapy gets underway, it can be a time of relationship turmoil, and we can begin to feel as if:
- We no longer know how to support our partner.
- The distance between us is growing.
- Our partner doesn’t want to connect with us.
- We are losing the person we thought we knew.
- We are being left behind.
- Our partner’s needs are changing.
- Our relationship isn’t as secure as it used to be.
At worst, it can feel as if the rug has been pulled out from under our relationship. At best, we find a way to adjust to the changes and work together as a couple, creating a deeper connection between us.
Reaching for the best-case scenario
Most of us want a version of the best-case scenario that fits in with our couple's vision of a relationship. Knowing a little more about how to approach this will help us enormously, and we can adapt the suggestions below to our personal needs:
1. Don’t try to make it OK.
It is hard to watch someone we love struggle emotionally, and we might wish we could reach in and soothe the struggles away. But we can’t; trying to tell them what they need to do or how they should be feeling will likely make the situation worse.
What we can do is accept that right now, life is a bit difficult for our partner, and our role is to be there with physical comfort. We can support them with words, saying we are there for them and stepping up in practical ways when needed, without taking over completely. It’s the small acts of consideration that will ease the pressure for our partner.
2. Communicate.
Communication is a two-way street. Having a relationship forum or a designated time to talk is a brilliant way of catching up with one another, as well as creating the opportunity to explore our experiences of what is happening in our relationship. Just listening can be the hardest thing to do, yet it is so simple once we get used to turning off the chatter in our own head. This is the chatter that tends to interrupt or want to come up with solutions. Remembering, too, that we are not our partner’s therapist, but their partner will help us to just be there with comfort and support.
3. Give them space.
It isn’t always that our partner will want to talk about their therapeutic experiences. They may need to process their thoughts and emotions before being able to have a conversation. Giving a little space for this to happen will help the effectiveness of therapy, and knowing why they have gone quiet will reassure us that everything is OK. We just need to stand by, and our partner will talk when they are ready.
4. Have patience.
Therapy takes time to have the desired effect; we cannot expect change after the first few sessions. Some therapies will require our partner to do homework between sessions; other therapies encourage thought and being aware of their inner voice and emotions.
We might not notice a positive change for quite some time, and we need to be patient; it will happen, and most likely, it will be gradual. If we can accept this and be there with comfort in whichever form is needed, we will be creating the conditions for change that our partner needs.
5. Emphasize self-development.
We might not want or need therapy ourselves, but as our partner is taking the route of self-development through therapy, it can help us, our relationship, and our partner if we do some sort of self-development ourselves. This can be reading books, doing a course, or taking part in a group, as long as it is with the purpose of developing self-awareness. This will create a deeper connection between us as we share our experiences in our relationship forum.
6. Try relationship therapy.
Individual therapy is a great way of developing new life skills, self-awareness, a different perspective on life and on ourselves, but it can also make changes that we didn’t expect. It isn’t unusual for couples to attend relationship therapy to work with the changes that are happening as a result of individual therapy. Relationship therapy or counseling can be reassuring and bring a deeper understanding of each other while helping us to do the best we can for one another.
We are doing OK
Being supportive while our partner attends therapy doesn’t have to be a matter of passively standing by and waiting for the changes to happen. Nor does it mean we have no say in what happens next. We can take this opportunity to develop our own compassion, empathy, or self-awareness. We can take an active interest by being there with physical comfort and practical help and by being willing to listen to our partner and share our own experiences of the process and our own self-development.
Having a good relationship takes communication, a willingness to try to understand one another, acceptance, and patience. These concepts will mean something different in every relationship, and being curious about what they mean to us and our partner will help us create a long-lasting, loving, and supportive relationship.
