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Key points
- Emotional individuals tend to make poorer decisions.
- It’s normal to want what others have, but this can become deceptively destructive.
- Measuring one's present self against one's past self, instead of against others, is a good way to combat envy.
Envy has long been a destructive force in human relationships that starts in childhood. The green-eyed monster emerges unpredictably and unconsciously shapes people's lives, for their whole lives.
We often want what others have, and neglect to appreciate what we have. This is traced to relative social comparison and personality competitiveness. If you understand its psychological roots, you can contain its destructive impact on your life and decisions.
The Nature of Envy
How often do you admit you’re envious? Despite being one of the seven deadly sins, it’s not openly discussed. You might do it privately, of course. But for most people, it’s taboo.
One study shows 75 percent of people admit to career envy. It’s easy in a survey, but in the workplace or socially, it’s unlikely to have been openly disclosed. It’s a hidden esteem-destroying secret.
A sickening sensation emerges when someone has something we want and can’t easily obtain. Of course, what people want differs. You might covet recognition or a particular job title. Due to circumstances, lack of ability, or financial means, you might simply be unable to attain your goal.
Envy is related to perceived fairness and identity. For example, research by psychologist Abraham Tesser shows people are unhappier when the source of envy is a close colleague, brother, or neighbor rather than a celebrity or stranger.
It makes sense. Unless you're in that social circle, you're unlikely to begrudge a royal crown or Elon Musk's billions. Yet you resent a colleague’s pay raise or a neighbor’s new car, especially if it’s better than yours.
Envy is complex. It differs from jealousy, which can evoke rage or humiliation and lead to crimes of passion. It also differs from admiration, which is warmer in nature but also rooted in relative comparison.
Are there gender differences? Interestingly, research shows men and women tend to crave different things. Women value appearance and popularity, while men resent financial resources and status items. Of course, there are always exceptions.
Impact on Decision-Making
Emotional leaders tend to be poor decision-makers. Was it ever any other way? This toxic emotion hurts the workplace, home life, work-life balance, and culture. Its contagious negativity lowers morale, motivation, performance, and well-being. Some people become so mentally paralyzed they can’t move forward.
Envy is a distraction, impacting people's ability to process information with a cool head essential for rational choices. Stewing in silent misery, you don't have to revert to sabotage, gossip, or attempt to poison the target’s reputation.
Unmanaged envy even impacts investment decisions. CEOs who experience compensation envy are more likely to engage in merger activity. An interesting factor given KPMG estimates the M&A deal trend is set to continue.
As envy appears petty, managers often try to conceal it, as do friends in social groups. But it leaks. Moreover, the effort of concealment is emotionally draining, depleting energy that should be reserved for judgment about what matters.
Envy can backfire on consumer decisions as well. A study in Brazil found brands that use malicious envy to inspire consumers to achieve beauty or wealth goals can damage loyalty, pushing consumers toward competitors.
6 Ways to Control Envy
It’s important to spot envy in yourself and others. When others get the recognition or glory you feel entitled to, or when a rival is publicly praised, your self-esteem takes a hit. You may dream of diminishing a rival’s success and delight in their slip-ups.
While common, this isn’t the hallmark of an effective leader or well-functioning individual. In the workplace, envy negates the desire to learn from others or accept their ideas. Curbing it is more important than ever during economic uncertainty or moments of vulnerability.
By understanding the psychology of this emotion, you can control a debilitating mindset. Drawing on decades of scientific research, I suggest six strategies to prevent it from destroying your decisions and morale.
- Reorient toward gratitude. Appreciate what you have. Concentrate on your own capabilities to boost self-esteem. This reorientation helps you accept others’ success.
- Reduce relative comparisons. Comparisons only make you feel bad, like discovering a colleague’s salary. Compare yourself downwards. Measure your present self against your past self to appreciate how far you’ve come.
- Separate the individual. Ask if you resent the whole person or just what they have or what they can do. There's a difference. Then try to acquire, build or close that gap.
- Review contact. It might be hard to avoid the object of frustration but deliberate distance can help. Conversely, engaging with the person you envy can dilute toxicity and humanize them more. But be careful. Closeness can backfire.
- Regain perspective. Nobody has everything. Even the rich want the bigger crib. Marketeers deliberately manipulate your emotions to stimulate excess consumption. It’s predictable, so don’t let it dominate decisions or your behavior.
- Monitor key events. Watch for snarky and undermining comments among neighbors or team members at events that may induce envy such as promotions, awards, or house moves.
Situations change. What you crave will pass. Another challenge, another opportunity, will come along. With a better understanding of human behavior, you can be better prepared to convert this liability into an asset.
