Feeling Misunderstood by Others?

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So often, we go through life feeling misunderstood. Whether we’re perceived as too loving, frank, sensitive, or vulnerable, being misunderstood can compromise our sense of worthiness and empowerment.¹ As a result, we feel unsettled, unheard, and unseen, and we often have a heightened emotional response because other people’s reactions surprise us.² Our affiliations start to feel discordant.³ What can we do if we feel frequently misunderstood? Should we respond to this inner disquietude?

The problem with being misunderstood is not simply that we are not as others perceive us. It is also that, for some reason, they only see that part of us and not the whole. The parts of us that others see as the whole of us threaten those others. They’re seen as “too over the top” as they threaten the status quo.

Often, the actuality is distorted because others perceive you through the lens of their fears. Fear heightens the perception of danger.⁴ And we retreat because we don’t want our differences to be perceived as threatening.

Many people live their lives hiding from their complex truths because of this. It’s not the secret of being a specific kind of human that’s the problem, but the compartmentalized experience of being one way or another, depending on who we're with. How can we deal with this?

Trust your instincts.

When we’re misunderstood, it often occurs despite having gut instincts that we will not be seen for who we truly are. We override these gut instincts hoping we are wrong when we should pay attention to them.⁵ Paying attention to your gut instincts has payoffs because it will avoid wasting time in a futile discovery process. People who misunderstand you are frequently jealous of you, so they will do whatever they can to discredit you while justifying this to themselves. If you sense this, run for the hills.

Avoid jealous people.

Jealous people are only sometimes aware that they are. At other times, they cover up this jealousy with moral arguments. While jealousy is largely normal,⁶ it will not serve you if the people around you resent your life. They will eventually be driven to judge and misunderstand you, and they will justify this, too. Those who are not jealous often overcome this because of gratitude for being in your company. But, regardless of how good you are to people, if they are jealous, they will find a way to distort who you truly are. If you sense jealousy, calmly walk away.

Surround yourself with people who don’t judge you.

It’s natural to have an opinion or preference, but truly loving people don’t judge. They fully know that moral hypocrisy is intrinsic to being human and seek to love what they can. Studies show that people with moral superiority may often present themselves as moral in public while privately reaping the benefits of selfishness. They enhance themselves with moral arguments because they need a positive view of themselves.⁷ Most people inflate their morality.⁸

Lead with love.

Love is not a form of moral superiority. It is a genuine realization that we are all connected at the core. You may be tempted to explain yourself when you're misunderstood, but this rarely matters. Instead, re-route your life’s journey by choosing a different path. You know your intentions and can lead with this. Leading with love means that you own the truth of your complexity and live with this complexity, knowing that its bone-broth–like primordial taste is not something that you need to sterilize. Instead, relax into your complexity. This is your true power.

Overall, if you are misunderstood, trust your instincts, avoid people who are jealous or morally superior, and own your complexity. You don’t have to respect the status quo because your success depends on constantly evolving into your greatest self.