Is It Marital Drama or Marital Trauma?

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Every relationship has its ups and downs. A little bit of conflict in a relationship is normal. When, however, does a little bit of conflict and drama in a marriage cross over into a serious rift? Here are five ways to determine if a marriage is just experiencing a little bit of drama, or is in full-blown trauma:

1. Perceived Unfairness vs. Serious Inequity. Relationships involve give-and-take, and it isn’t always an even balance. When one partner feels a sense of unfairness—they are giving more and getting less—this can put a strain on the relationship. A sense of equity is important in human relationships. However, if the inequity is extreme, or occurs over an extended period of time, it can create a situation where the “giving” partner feels taken advantage of, and it can lead to the dissolution of the relationship (see Grote & Clark, 2001).

1. Lack of Respect and Anger vs. Contempt. It is normal to get angry at one’s spouse occasionally in a marriage. Temporary anger and momentary loss of respect for one’s partner are certainly problematic. However, research by Gottman and colleagues (see Gottman & Notarius, 2000 for a review) shows that if anger and lack of respect for a partner evolve into contempt, the chances that the marriage is headed for divorce greatly increase.
2. Communication Breakdown. There is a reason that therapists in couples therapy emphasize the importance of good communication. Communication breakdown is second only to infidelity in predicting divorce. Occasionally, when there is a disruption in a relationship, one or both partners will “take a break” and cut off communication. Taken to extremes, however, can lead to a traumatic break in the relationship. I know of several couples whose relationships began to dissolve commensurate with an extreme communication breakdown. In one case, the couple continued to live together (in separate wings of the house) but were completely noncommunicative with each other.
3. Conflict. Our own research (Ramos, et al., 2022) has suggested that the quality of the entire family relationship—the couple, the children, and the family dynamic—is not only critically important for the success of the marriage but it also has a long-term impact on children. Imagine it as a continuum from a cooperative and supportive relationship, with occasional mild levels of conflict, to extremely high-conflict family dynamics, in which the in-fighting can evolve into shouting matches and aggression. Family drama becomes family trauma.
4. Loss of Trust. Another continuum that relates to the quality of a marriage is the amount of trust partners have in each other. The main reason that infidelity leads to marriage breakdown is the violation of trust. As one study found, just perceived infidelity—husbands communicating online with other women—could lead to a lack of trust and damage a relationship (Carter, 2016).

In a marriage or any dyadic relationship, it is important to not let occasional or temporary difficulties move from simple relationship drama to relationship trauma.