Strategies to Help Children Build Resilience

"Do not judge me by my success. Judge me by how many times I fell down, and got back up." —Nelson Mandela

Is your child strong inside? Do they bounce back easily? Or do they tend to stay stuck in the problem? Whether they lost the big soccer game, were teased by a schoolmate, or failed a test, children unequivocally need to build resilience so they can recover from the inevitable disappointments and setbacks of life. So, what is resilience?

Childhood Resilience: A Definition

Resilience is the ability to bounce back and recover from challenges or even great adversity. It isn’t a box we check or something we are born with—resilience is a skill that we can develop over time. The challenges of childhood, whether it’s handling a chronic illness (my neighbor’s son just had heart surgery) or repairing a friendship, are happening all the time.

Specifically, children need resilience to create a solid emotionally stable foundation for their best lives and have the courage to share their unique talents with the world.

Resilience-Building: Choose One Thing

Being able to nurture resilience in your children is complex; however, parents, teachers, and professionals can make measurable progress in your child’s resiliency journey by focusing on one resilience-building approach at a time, such as:

• Coping skills. Children who use coping skills—whether that's breathing techniques, exercise, hitting a punching bag, drawing away frustrations, or listening to calming recordings—all count. My personal favorite is breathing techniques because no matter where you are (school or home) your breath is with you, and your children can learn to self-regulate. For example, an exercise called "Five for Five" from The Emotionally Healthy Child book can help: Start with a closed fist, and with each deep breath, open a finger till you have an open palm. Repeat three times to feel calmer and activate your parasympathetic nervous system.
• Messaging. Use every opportunity to teach lessons about resiliency. For example, Ella, age 11, is completely absorbed in reading Harry Potter and then watching the movies. After The Chamber of Secrets, we discussed how Harry needed to overcome being treated so terribly by his uncle and aunt—in that book, they put bars on the windows and he had to literally escape! So, whatever movie you're watching, book you're reading, or whatever other everyday experience you’re having, look for the “teachable moments” where you can emphasize how the world is full of challenges, and also people overcoming them, and that same power is in your child.
• Relationships. Sounds simple, but we know relationships aren’t necessarily easy in childhood. Helping your child make and keep at least one friend, repair a friendship when appropriate, and have a supportive relationship in their life (coach, counselor, family member, friend) is a core component of bouncing back. Making a real friend takes time, intention, and looking for someone who might have similar interests (i.e., soccer, art, music, after-school).

Each of these evidence-based strategies can help children build the skill of resilience, as well as begin to help others do the same.

Complexity of Childhood Resilience

Of course, it’s hard to do justice to such a big topic as childhood resilience in such a short time, but my aim is to introduce and encourage you to pick one thing—one small, low-hanging resiliency item that you can think, say, or do that can contribute positively to seed your children’s emerging sense of resilience, as well as bolster your own over time.