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Key points
- Some problems in relationships happen outside the awareness of one or both partners.
- Talk therapy can be limited in helping to uncover these problems.
- Writing exercises offer a new way to examine areas of concern in the marriage.
When a marriage is in trouble, understanding how things got off track can be helpful, yet it's not always so easy to uncover. If problematic interactions occur outside each person's awareness or memory, typical talk therapy isn't likely to break through the denial. There has to be a different angle from which to look at the relationship.
As a couples therapist, I have several tools for understanding the unworkable patterns and pain points each person in the marriage may experience.
Before introducing these tools, I want to mention that analyzing a relationship is a complex task that requires careful consideration of various factors. While exercises alone cannot necessarily provide a comprehensive analysis, they can serve as starting points for reflection and discussion. Below are six introspective options that can help facilitate the analysis of your marriage.
1. Reflective journaling: Each partner maintains a personal journal where they can record their thoughts, feelings, and observations about the marriage. I encourage people to do this free-form or to create categories of what feels most important about the marriage.
This exercise promotes self-reflection and provides an outlet for identifying patterns and areas of concern.
2. Relationship timeline: Create a timeline of significant events and milestones in the marriage, both positive and negative. This visual representation can aid in identifying patterns, triggers, and changes over time. It's one thing to hold these events in your memory; it's another to see them in black and white.
It's truly powerful to see your history and even more importantly, to see that you each have a different perspective on these events. Discussing these events can shed light on how key moments have shaped the relationship.
3. Communication assessment: Assess the communication dynamics within the marriage. Each partner can individually list their perceptions of how well they communicate (this includes listening) with each other and identify areas for improvement. Comparing these lists can foster discussions about effective communication strategies.
4. Relationship values exercise: Each partner independently lists their core values and priorities in the marriage—values like friendship, companionship, parenting, financial stability, etc.
Compare these lists and discuss areas of alignment and conflicts. Understanding shared values and areas of divergence can help identify sources of tension or areas that require compromise.
5. Relationship strengths and weaknesses inventory: Create a list of the strengths and weaknesses of the marriage. Each partner can contribute their thoughts, focusing on positive aspects that contribute to the relationship's strength and areas that need improvement. This exercise helps identify both the positive aspects to celebrate and the areas that require attention and growth.
6. Relationship goals exercise: Every relationship is on some kind of trajectory. Couples either diverge or converge but most of the time, it's a combination of both. Those who stay together don't necessarily follow the same path, but where there is distance, it works for both. Those who don't make it often grow apart, the distance is intolerable, and they can't get back on track.
Each partner can individually list their short-term and long-term goals for the marriage. Later, discuss these aspirations, identifying areas of agreement and potential discrepancies. This exercise helps clarify individual expectations and facilitates the process of aligning shared goals.
There may be some overlap in these exercises so feel free to just pick ones where there is less repetition or ones that have more meaning for you.
Remember, these exercises are intended to promote self-reflection, communication, and understanding within the marriage. It's important to approach these activities with openness, empathy, and a willingness to work together to improve the relationship.
If you're facing significant challenges in your marriage, seeking the guidance of a couples coach, clergy, or professional therapist or counselor can provide valuable support.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
