9 Reasons Why Many Miserable Marriages Survive

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Whenever I saw them at family gatherings, I always wondered: Did they once love each other?

Bob and Alberta had been married for 37 years when we first met. What struck me most was that individually they both had avid interests and opinions, but together they had little to say to each other. There was an undercurrent of anger, contempt, and dismissiveness. A tense silence prevailed between them in public. In private, he could be a verbal and emotional bully. She could be childlike and dependent, never having learned to drive. They had both come from families fractured by death and divorce. Their children were grown. So why were they still together?

Sometimes Alberta would pull me aside. “One of these days,” she would whisper, glaring in her husband’s direction. “I’m going to fly the coop. I can’t stand being with him.”

I was young then, yet to grow into compassion, yet to become a therapist. I’d lean toward Alberta and whisper back, “First, you’d better learn how to drive.”

She would sigh, “I know. One of these days…”

Alberta was my mother-in-law. She never learned how to drive. And she never flew the coop.

She escaped her marriage of quiet desperation only through her death from cancer when she was 71.

Through the years, I’ve seen many couples like Bob and Alberta whose long-lasting marriages are more endurance tests than loving partnerships. Living with all manner of pain, disappointment, and despair, they have soldiered on through the decades while those who love them wonder: Why do they stay together?

There are a number of reasons that marriages of quiet desperation persist.

1. Finances: Perhaps there isn’t enough money to support two households or to maintain a lifestyle that one or both spouses have come to value. Perhaps the couple has come to this place of quiet desperation during retirement when the distractions of work and children are gone and budgeting on a fixed income seems to preclude the expense of divorce. Perhaps there are kids in college, so both parents hesitate to make any move that would threaten family financial stability. Their fear of being impoverished by divorce or living in diminished circumstances overshadows their marital distress.
2. Children: It isn’t only the fear of depriving minor children of an intact two-parent family that keeps some unhappy couples together, but also the realization that adult children can have a variety of feelings about a parental divorce as well. Sometimes this can mean an adult child taking sides, estranging from one parent, and blocking access to grandchildren. It can mean an end to full family gatherings, holidays, and vacations. Many would rather weather the loneliness of an unhappy marriage than risk being cast out of the family altogether.
3. Religious beliefs and shame: People who are devoutly religious and whose faith forbids divorce or regards it, at best, as a shameful choice, are not likely to see parting as a viable option. Even among some atheists or agnostics, the shame of failure, of admitting publicly that one is failing at marriage, can keep people stuck in relationships where love and connection have ceased to exist.
4. Fear: There are so many fears that surface when a couple breaks up. There is fear of the unknown: surviving alone or as a single parent, the risk that one will grow old alone, that love will never happen again. There can also be fear in the process of parting and the possible escalation of hostilities and even violence.
5. Guilt: Knowing a spouse as one does with all his or her vulnerabilities, the prospect of hurting another or abandoning a long-time partner during a time of need seems fundamentally wrong. Putting one’s children—whether minor or adult—through the pain of a family breakup can feel even worse.
6. External events: Leaving an unhappy relationship might be postponed indefinitely during challenging times. For example, a recent study of divorce patterns during the pandemic found that there was a dip in divorce cases in 2020 as people hunkered down together in their homes.
7. Habit: Staying put is a habit, part of one’s routine. Any move to leave or try to improve the marriage gets lost in procrastination and vague fantasies, like Alberta’s wish to “fly the coop.” Or there may be shared hopelessness for any meaningful change and resignation to accept what is. And so the couple takes life day by day, day after day as time flies by.
8. Intermittent joy: Not all troubled relationships offer continual misery. There may be some good times, moments of joy and connection that feel so good that it seems foolish to throw all that away. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been on the verge of leaving,” a client I’ll call Jerry told me. “But then we’ll have a good day. We’ll go on a hike or just hang out at home and laugh over some long-time in-jokes, feeling the comfort of being together that was once a daily part of our relationship. And I’ll think of all the good times we’ve had and think that if I left, I’d miss so much even if our good days are few and far between.”
9. Hope that things will get better. While some relationships look largely hopeless, some people stay while hoping that things can change and that happiness is possible. Some studies support this hope. One study that compared relationship trajectories over more than 20 years found that while marital happiness was lowest in the early years of marriage, the relationships of those who stayed together for 20 years or more did tend to improve over time. “You keep hoping,” my client Andrea said. “You keep telling yourself that it will get better if we get better-paying jobs or less stressful jobs. Or it will be easier after the kids are grown and out of the house. Or if we only had a nicer house with more room. Or a dog to enjoy together. Or someday being able—finally—to talk about and resolve our differences. You name it. I’ve hoped for so long and keep hoping that we’ll be happier someday.”

Whatever the glue that holds a marriage of quiet desperation together, there are coping strategies that enable people to live with a level of pain that would feel unacceptable to others.

Some people protect themselves with detachment. They stop caring or don't expect anything from their partner. They become like distant roommates with parallel lives. Others carry on through distraction—work, kids, hobbies, and interests that fill in the emotional gaps left by the dearth of love and affection in the marriage.

However, some marriages of quiet desperation do have breaking points. Perhaps it is one betrayal too many, yet another infidelity or expression of contempt. Perhaps it is when verbal and emotional abuse becomes physical. Perhaps it is a life transition like retirement when the couple is suddenly spending more time together and enjoying it even less. Perhaps it is the realization, after the loss of a family member or friend, that life is so very short and not wanting to waste another moment being unhappy. Or the breaking point may be a matter of life and death. Some studies show, in fact, that staying in a stressful, unhappy marriage can be detrimental to one’s health.

“My breaking point in my long marriage was the distinct feeling that I would die sooner rather than later if I didn’t leave,” my friend Zachary told me recently. “Over the years, so much had kept me in the marriage—our wonderful adult children, financial concerns, guilt in great abundance. But the day finally came when I knew I had to run for my life. Life is very different now. I’m much healthier now and so, by the way, is my ex-wife. I live modestly but in peace. And I live with gratitude for the blessing of health and time.”

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