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There are a lot of ways that life can get worse when you and your significant other are in conflict. The problem may not be the conflict itself, a natural part of living and loving, but the way you handle your differences.
One couple I worked with had an amazing ability to go from mild irritation to threats of divorce in mere seconds. I’ve seen other couples fight with screaming threats, name-calling and blame heaped on each other. None of this, of course, is productive in resolving differences.
But there is one habit or inclination that may well be the most destructive of all: silent withdrawal.
Sometimes this is an aggressive silence: a refusal to speak to the other, angrily shutting him or her out, sometimes for days at a time. This has become increasingly identified as a form of psychological abuse.
Sometimes the silence is more passive but nonetheless destructive: withdrawal and refusal to engage in conflict because one is conflict or confrontation adverse.
The problem is, this can be misread as not caring or as manipulative, abusive, aggressive silence. Withdrawing and hoping that the conflict will simply blow over is wishful thinking. The conflict is likely to go underground, simmering into ongoing resentment. It may prompt the other partner to use more divisive language or to offer up outrageous or explosive expressions of anger and frustration in an effort to be heard. The distance between you can grow into a chasm. And nothing gets resolved.
What can you do if you see this pattern in your own – or your spouse’s – reaction to conflict?
1. Venture out of your comfort zone: This is, of course, easier said than done. A client I’ll call Cynthia grew up in a seething, but conflict adverse home. There were multiple emotional elephants in the room and little discussion to resolve these lingering conflicts. “We just stepped around them and soldiered on,” she told me. “We prided ourselves on never fighting. We kept the peace. Well, sort of. We just never got close. We never talked about anything emotional. That’s just the way I was raised. It’s hard to be any different now.”
The thing is, when you were a child, you had no power over how you were raised in your family dynamic. You have the power now to choose to live a different sort of life. Don’t limit yourself to “That’s the way I was raised!”. Try something different. It may be uncomfortable initially. Realize that giving in to your desire to avoid conflict may have short term gains and long term pain. Speak up. Let your partner know that you hear what he or she is saying and that you know you are inclined shut down in conflict, but that you want to change that, to do what is difficult for you and begin to make a positive difference. Ask for his or her help.
2. If you catch your spouse withdrawing in conflict, ask him or her to do one thing different this time. Perhaps you could say “I know this is hard for you. I understand. But please stay with me here. We need to discuss this and resolve this. I really want to work this out.” This is what Cynthia’s husband Ron said when his feelings began to escalate and Cynthia began to withdraw during a couples counseling session. Fighting tears, Cynthia expressed her desire to talk but asked him to help by lowering his voice and listening instead of talking over her. They both made changes in their conflict styles and this made a big difference in their ability to resolve their differences.
3. Show a willingness to engage even if you’re momentarily overwhelmed. You might tell your spouse that you want to discuss and resolve the issue between you, but need time to calm down and think this through or discuss it at a time when you can focus fully on the problem (perhaps after the children have gone to bed). What’s important is that you show a willingness to confront the problem and suggest a specific time to talk with each other -- and stick to that time!
4. Express your desire to do whatever it takes to resolve your differences, as hard as this might be for you. Though it might feel easier to go for short term escape tactics, you know that isn’t best for the relationship or, ultimately, for you. Show a willingness to follow through with difficult discussions or even to get professional help in order to resolve your differences. Refusing to talk or to seek couples counseling, if necessary, out of shame or pride or fear of what might happen if you speak up is a guarantee of more serious trouble ahead.
5. Remind yourself that your relationship is worth the discomfort of facing conflict and resolving your differences. Things can get worse, much worse if you don’t face a problem at the time.
“My sister and I are so alike. We both get intimidated easily and retreat into ourselves instead of speaking up when there’s a disagreement with anyone, especially a loved one,” my friend Candace told me recently. “I watched my sister and her husband grow apart and finally divorce, never having had an honest discussion about differences that I think could have been resolved. I didn’t want that to happen to Ken and me. So now when things get tense, I take a deep breath and say ‘So I think we have a problem here. What are we going to do about it? I love you and I want to work this out together.’ What a difference -- a wonderful difference -- that has made in our relationship! We feel closer than ever, even when life isn't perfect!"
